Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Have you wanked it today?! Increase your odds by making your solo practice a team sport!

Ah the myriad of words and phrases used to describe masturbation... Apparently there are quite a few ways of delicately (and not so delicately) explaining the way you "beat your meat." Mantality.com came up with 519!! ...And since we all seem to be doing it, why is it strange to talk about it. That's right, according to several sources, including the Kinsey Report, about 80-95% of us have at least tried it.

So why is it that men generally keep "jerking off," once they've discovered it, and women seem to get disinterested in "clicking the mouse?" Of course we all know that good girls aren't supposed to actually like sex. We're not supposed to look at, touch, or otherwise find pleasure in our lady parts... and guys, didn't you know that spanking the monkey can lead to blindness, a body riddled with disease, and a "mind in ruins?"

C'mon people, that's so 1800's!! Even our Victorian sisters knew how to have a good time. Even if they had to be considered "hysterical" to receive "treatment," they were still getting their issue! Now, thanks to technology and the amazing people who design, mass produce, and distribute products we can use in the privacy and comfort of our own homes, we can get-off anytime we like, but yet, we don't seem to be living up to our full potential.

Thanks to Mona Chalabi and FiveThirtyEight.com we have a visual of what our masturbation habits look like on a chart.

According to a study done in 2009 by the National Study of Sexual Health and Behavior from Indiana University, we really don’t masturbate that often. While almost 80% of people have masturbated at some point in their lives, around 30% of women haven’t masturbated in the last year. And 20% of men say the same. The study suggests that less than 10% of women in their 30's and 40's masturbate 2-3 times per week... uh, seriously?

Let's consider masturbation a team sport. Forget it as a solo activity for now, even though that's part of the appeal, and grab a teammate for some mutual masturbatory fun! If we don't view masturbation as a negative thing, I believe we just might take control of the joystick more often.

Men, does your girl think that when you masturbate that you're cheating on her? I have heard this a few times from women. They think that if they're laying in bed and he's using his hand instead of her vagina, that something's wrong with him... First of all, from an occasionally tired mom perspective (and those perpetually tired new moms), I just want to say thanks to all those men who take their pleasure into their own hands! Pun absolutely intended. I think it's wonderful that when you need a little stress relief, or a natural sleeping pill that you take a few minutes to hit the highlight reel and get it done. Let's face it, sex for two takes a little longer and is more energy depleting than sex for one. If you're one of "those" gals who thinks he's cheating when you hear the squish of lotion next to you at night, try coming from a place of gratitude instead. He doesn't need you to scratch him every time he has an itch.... Just saying.

Women, would your man be devastated if he caught you using your huge dildo or jack rabbit vibrator? Guys, please don't feel like you're being replaced. If she has a 13" dong in her bedside drawer, it doesn't mean she's unhappy with your 5-6" average penis. It means, she knows she likes something different every now and then, and you should be thrilled that 13 inches isn't attached to a human. And as for the Jack Rabbit vibe that has a rabbit clitoral stimulator and a spinning shaft complete with massaging ball bearings... ummm, if your penis can do that, please private message me, I'd like to be your agent. Guys, consider this instead... your girl actually likes sex?! You should celebrate the fact that she doesn't have any hang-ups about her body and her orgasms, and feel honored that she chose you to be intimate with.

So how do these solo players um, come together? Try masturbating together for a change! Here are a few suggestions to include your lover (or a random stranger) for your next stroking or paddling session:

1. Have a meeting in-person. Sit within close proximity, or even touch each other during your normal method of masturbation. Use your hands, toys, and any other accessories that finish the job for you.

2. Make it a movie night. Find out what kind of porn your lover likes and put it on the big screen! (I recommend having your favorite drama or comedy and a bowl of popcorn for afterward, the average viewing time for hotel porn is only 12 minutes!!)

3. Skype or text session. This is perfect for those who might have performance anxiety about their solo practice. You can snap, shoot, and send pics in different stages of your arousal (and completion) or just do it all live on Skype or FaceTime.

4. Tell them after the fact. Simply sharing your masturbation session in sexy explicit detail will make them feel included. Communicating that you gave yourself pleasure, especially if it included fantasizing about your partner, will be such a huge turn-on, but it also initiates conversations about expectations and boundaries for your relationship.

CUE THEME SONG:

Open and honest communication is always key when it comes to building good relationships, romantic, sexual or otherwise. Share your desires and needs with your partner, listen to theirs, and always find new ways to play with each other.

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