50 Shades Movie Review: from a married, sexually adventurous, mom of a teenage daughter.

There has been a lot of controversy online about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. People who feel passionately that it is setting a bad example for our young girls about what a relationship should look like, and what normal sex should be.

I went into the theatre with an open mind to watch the scenes and listen to the dialogue between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele to see if I felt that it was the abusive, controlling, torturous, sexist relationship that was being described in social media debates.

I will preface my review of the film by saying, I am a woman who enjoys sex and all aspects of sex play. While I’ve dabbled in the world of BDSM, I have not experienced a DOM-SUB relationship personally. I have never been sexually abused. I have read all the books. I have now seen the film. I am a mother to a teenage daughter. The opinions to come, if at all biased, are reflective of who I am. Take them as you will.

Here’s what I never saw:

1. Christian Grey abusing, torturing, or otherwise harming Anastasia Steele.

2. Anything other than consensual sex and intimacy between two adults.

3. A controlling relationship. While Christian Grey “requests” total control in their relationship, Ana never actually gives it.

What I did see:

1. Highly erotic scenes of fantasy play (ie: restraints, light whippings and floggings) and lots of nudity.

2. A woman being pleasured sexually by a man who adored her.

3. A relationship in conflict. Two people trying to negotiate the balancing act of their needs and boundaries.

For those who are saying that it portrays women in a submissive and anti-feminist light:

While Ana’s character is asked to be his “submissive,” She maintains her life outside of the designated play hours. She is asked to “agree” to make herself available to him in whatever way he sexually desires in exchange for her pleasure, and the ability to be in a relationship with him. She is never asked to cook, clean, or otherwise play a traditionally female role in his life. As part of the contract she is required to be exclusive to him sexually, and to be on the pill. She is not expected to give up her free will, but rather, to know that there will be consequences to her actions should she decide to "break the rules."

In a “normal” relationship, women are generally expected to cook and clean, raise children, and work, oh, and have sex exclusively with him, for his pleasure.

For those who say that she is abused, tortured, isolated and humiliated:

Let’s take these one at a time…

From Wikipedia, the definition of abuse

Ana is “spanked” for punishment after Christian warns her “If you roll your eyes at me again, I will take you over my knee.” She of course, rolls her eyes later in the scene, and he lays her over his lap, pulls up her dress and asks her if she understands why he is doing this. After his initial spank, he asks her if she likes it, and then again, if she would like more. Doesn’t sound like “abuse” to me.

Ana is later brought into the Red Room (aka, his play room), where he introduces her to the experience of being teased and whipped with a riding crop while being restrained and blindfolded. Again, he asks her “Does it hurt.” He straps her spread eagle to his four poster bed with ropes and blindfolds her, then continues with some sensory play with feathers and a flogger. At no point in the film does it depict her in any pain until she asks him. “Show me” what the worst punishment would be.

This is the only scene people will or could have an issue with in my opinion. She is whipped on the ass with a leather belt 6 times. He explains exactly what will happen. He tells her she will count the whippings with him. She is NOT restrained or blindfolded. She is shown to appear to be in pain and is crying. However, where the tears are actually being derived from, is left to the viewer.

In the scene leading up to this “punishment,” she is arguing with him. Why he is like this? Why does he have a need to dole out punishments for her at all? And then of course, how severe would the worst punishment be? It is implied that he is an emotionally broken man, that he was abused as a child, and so needs to be abusive in a controlled environment to appease his demons. Her tears could be from the pain of the actual belt lashings, or they could be from her sadness that this man whom she is falling in love with was abused as a child. She could be crying because she is scared of what loving a man like him leaves her vulnerable to. Or she should could be crying because she herself feels unloved by her mother who fails to show up for her college graduation.

Tortured: Um, let’s see… she was given intense pleasure repeatedly… I’ll take some of that torture.

Isolated: Christina Grey introduces her to his family, meets Ana’s mother, is publicly photographed with her, spends time at her apartment as well as his, and refers to her as his girlfriend when the need to introduce her arises. Doesn’t sound very isolated to me.

Humiliated: He holds her hair back while she pukes, never once scolding her for making her own choices, but simply acknowledges that it wasn’t smart. He buys her new clothes to wear because she has vomited all over hers. Buys her a new computer because hers is broken. Takes her for a ride in his helicopter, and an adrenaline fueled ride in a glider. Makes sure she is well nourished. Tells her to never be ashamed of her body, that she has a beautiful body. Bathes her. Spends the night in bed sleeping with her, even though he said he doesn’t “do that.”

I could not find a single instance in the film where Ana is ever made to feel humiliated. It could be argued that she is scolded for not letting him know that she was traveling to see her mother out-of-state, and that he didn’t want her drinking her third Cosmo while she was out with her mom. But at that point in the film, they had already made agreements, expectations were in place, and again, “humiliated?” Embarrassed, perhaps.

For those who ask, “What are we teaching our daughters?”

I will say this. Movies suck as examples of what actual loving relationships look like. Our daughters are exposed to many lofty ideals of what passion, love, romance, and long-term relationships can be. Hollywood generally shows the fantasy fairy-tale as something to strive for… which can lead to serious disappointment. It was refreshing to see a man who knew himself, communicated his needs with authentic clarity, and gave her the ability to opt out. He never offered romance, but he was willing to give her everything else if she agreed. He would fuck her hard, respect, nuture, and care for her. Not a bad proposition if you ask me. I would be thrilled if my daughter encountered a gentleman like this man when she is an adult. A man who was intelligent, present, compassionate, attentive, respectful, and oh yes, wanted nothing more than to spend hours playing with her body and giving her pleasure.

For those who say that this contract was controlling and sexist…

What is Marriage? A legal and binding contract between two people “til death do they part.” And what details are discussed and outlined in this contract? Not much. I would much rather negotiate the terms of my relationship, my sexual pleasure, my physical and emotional health and well-being, than leave it chance based on whimsical lifelong decisions due to “feelings” of love and passion. You can call it cynical, or un-romantic, but you can’t deny the power of honest and open communication.

I’m sure people of the BDSM community will have a field day with this film. It’s very vanilla. It’s ONE fictional account of a POSSIBLE relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive. It barely grazes the surface of what types of sensations could be experienced between two consensual adults with creative minds and willing bodies. I do feel like it may introduce people who may have never considered fantasy play to a few fun scenarios in the bedroom. I hope it will create conversations between couples who want to spice things up, and that men and women will explore what they actually need and desire in their relationships.

Footnotes:

What I loved... the actors had real, beautiful bodies, and seemed to play together well on screen. I loved that they both had full bush, which was shown briefly and equally for both actors.

What I hated... that again a girl is conflicted by the potential of "love," that she is incapable of having sex without love. And that Christian Grey has to be a billionaire, perpetuating the ideal that men are there to provide. Oh and... there wasn't enough sex.

But then again, it is just a movie...

Married people-single sex! Have sex like you're single again!

It happens... that point in a relationship where watching a TV show, or even sleeping, is suddenly more exciting that the prospect of sex with your partner. It's not that you don't love them anymore, or that you're not sexually attracted to them anymore (well, most of the time). So why is it so much work to muster up the energy to actually start the ball rolling...?

Let's back track for just a second and clarify. I'm referring to relatively happy couples in monogamous relationships, who do still care for one another...

So, what's a guy or gal to do when the desire and passion starts to fade?

Let's first discuss why the passion starts to fade and take it from there...

There are several reasons why people lose the sexual energy they once had with their long-term or lifelong partner. Let's be real... we've tapped that before.. we already know what we're getting... we've already been there, done that...

Reason 1. There's no element of surprise and spontaneity anymore for many couples. In other words, we're bored. Solution: Plan a romantic night out for your lover! Shop for sexy lingerie, or bring home a new sex toy! Create new moments of sexy experiences to keep the fire burning!

Then there's the actual time it takes to have sex. Many parents are already exhausted from work and caring for the kids. That generally leaves evening for any possibility of sex. But they don't have a place to have sex, because their kids are still awake. When the kids are finally asleep, they don't have the energy. (this is assuming, of course, that one or both partners isn't bothered by, and is capable of completing the task, knowing that their kids might hear them)

Reason 2. Lack of time and/or availability of location for sex. Solution: Make date night a priority! Plan time to spend together, if you have the money, get a hotel room, or drop the kids off at the in-laws and make sexual reconnection an important part of your life!

Now let's consider the hormones necessary for the libido to function properly.

Testosterone has been widely recognized as the hormone that creates sex drive; however, we should differentiate between sex drive and sexual desire. One can have sexual desire without much sex drive. This can happen in the case of erectile dysfunction, whereas the man is lacking the ability to create and sustain an erection, but is still interested in sex. Then there's the case of those who might experience a lack of sexual interest, not a lack of sex drive.... this can happen a lot with both sexes.

Reason 3. Lack of sex drive due to decreased testosterone. Solution: Do everything you can to physically and mentally stay interested in sex.

When you're dating it's simple. In a recent study, it was determined that when two people meet and experience mutual attraction, their testosterone levels spike! If only one person felt an attraction, and the other did not; however, there was no elevation in the levels of testosterone. So simply put, when there was a probability of sex, the body responded favorably to make this happen.

Let's face it, lower levels of testosterone can completely kill a sexual relationship, so understanding the physiology of sex certainly can't hurt. As with our overall health, a healthy diet and exercise is crucial in regulating and maintaining our hormone levels. Anti-depressants and birth control are known to decrease desire, but are part of many American couples lives, so make sure you combat these medications by staying healthy. Stress can cause a huge strain on relationships and sexual desire, do whatever you can to keep the stress levels down.

But there are times of the month, as well as in life, when women's testosterone levels increase. (Yay for the guys who are married to them!) Just before ovulation (which would be when she is most fertile) testosterone is prevalent, but as her ovulation cycle comes to an end, estrogen levels drop resulting in less lubrication. (not fun) So guys: If you'd like to increase your chances of getting laid, hit your wife up between the 24th day of her menstrual cycle, and the 14th day of her next month's cycle. Show her that you still think she's a hot piece of ass (i.e.:send those mating hormones into hyperdrive), and don't give her all the same moves. Send her sexy messages throughout the day (be cautious with your chosen words, she may not like porn chatter during kid hours), touch her in ways that are non-sexual, compliment her, look her in the eyes, make her laugh. Change it up, make an effort, make her feel desired, and let the fun begin.

Ladies, if your man is seemingly less interested in sex, consider the changes his body might be experiencing. As men age, they too have a decrease in testosterone. They may be less interested in sex, loose head and body hair, feel tired even though they get enough sleep, have trouble staying focused, loose muscle mass, gain more body fat, all of which can also make daddy feel not so sexy... How can you help?! Boost his ego with sexy text messages, pictures, and mental stimulation throughout his day. Tell him things that you know will drive him crazy. Let him know you're thinking about sex! Men are very visual creatures, paint a picture for him of what lies ahead... and give detailed descriptions.

Then there's the not so easy part to explain, the part that requires more than just a bucket of sex toys, a babysitter, and a bottle of wine. Resentments, infidelity, emotional needs that are not being met...

Reason 4. You have issues.... Solution: see a couples counselor. Your relationship was worth it at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now... and if it's not worth salvaging, you'll be having single sex soon enough anyway.

The Problem with Romantic Love...

I know, I know... bah humbug, happy fucking Valentine's Day, right? But hear me out...

A friend and I were discussing the problem with romantic love the other day, and I felt like I sounded as though I don't believe in love, or like the feeling of being in-love, and let me just clarify now by saying that's just not true. Who doesn't enjoy the rush of adrenaline (and hormones, yes) when you receive an attentive message or phone call from someone who has become the object of your obsession? Who doesn't appreciate how easy it is to fall in-love with someone you barely know? When all your love depends on, is the other person showing up and being remotely interesting, and showering you with attention. But married couples and those in long-term relationships will agree, that those kind of feelings generally don't sustain themselves. And I don't mean to insinuate that couples who have been together for years don't get butterflies when they see each other, and aren't capable of having hot sexy nights of passion reminiscent of the days when they first began dating. What I am saying is that I don't recommend building relationships based on simply "romantic love."

Romantic Love by definition is risky, volatile, dramatic, possessive, conditional, and one-sided. Wikipedia has a pretty great handle on it... check out general definition #2: The addition of drama to relationships of close, deep and strong love.

Let's look at how "romantic relationships" usually start...

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They start the process of getting to know each other...

which usually turns into kissing...

which many times leads to sex...

which is fun for awhile...

But then suddenly they start to get to know each other for who they really are...

They become less sexually appealing,

or perhaps less sexually aggressive.

One person needs exclusivity at some point,

which is okay at first...

until someone else comes along that is exciting,

and the one who is "excited" doesn't know how to manage their feelings,

and manange the expectations of the other partner.

What they generally assume, is that they have simply fallen out of love.

One partner may start to feel like the feelings aren't equally intense,

but they chalk it up to having come out of the "honeymoon stage."

Neither partner communicates their feelings to the other for fear of hurting the other...

because they "love them," afterall....

And so it goes for a bit, until they do end up hurting each other through non-communication, cheating, or unintentionally withdrawing their "love" and affection from their partner.

I don't need the drama, thanks... I prefer mutual respectful, compassionate, and considerate love.

What would that look like?

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They begin the process of getting to know each other..

which generally leads to kissing,

but now they start to share their needs and expectations.

If they decide to have sex, how will their intimacy affect their relationship?

Does one or both partners need exclusivity to continue? Or can they have sex casually?

Let's say they have a non-exclusive friendship for awhile, along with casual sex...

and one or both partners begins to develop deeper feelings...

which can happen...

So they talk about what those feelings mean, and how they affect the previous agreement they established.

Does one or both partners want to become "romantically" attached?

Do they want kids?

Do they want to be married? (and yes, the conversation can go in that order)

Or maybe they don't need their love to turn into responsibility for the other....

Do they feel okay to "love" each other without having emotional and physical rights to the other?

Can they be mutually respectful and affectionate without "gaining anything" from the other?

Can they be friends forever, whether or not they continue to have sex?

Both scenarios may start similarly, but they evolve into very different human connections. You often hear the term "falling" in-love in respect to romance. Romantic Love is controlled by just one person. They "court" the other, creating feelings of dependency and infatuation with how the other makes them feel. They make the object of their affection seem like they are the center of their universe. Both partners at times even feel empty and lonely while they are in-love. They are "love-sick," when they are not together, feel "heartaches" when something doesn't feel right. They would "die without the affections of their love." And just as easily as they "fell in-love", they can withdraw their intense feelings, leaving the other feeling empty, desperate and helpless. Which is exactly what they are... they can't control the feelings or actions of the other.

Ugh... not for me thanks...I don't want to ride that emotional roller coaster, or be the center of someone's universe, and be responsible for their happiness. That is not to say that I am unwilling to be mindful, considerate, and even make compromises for someone I love.

In the second example both persons make conscious, self-aware decisions to choose to love the other person. It doesn't thrive on only the intense sense of passion and adoration of one person, and can't be destroyed by just one of them either. They have seen each other for who they are, and most likely have been overwhelmed with love by qualities of that person. Their feelings are rooted to something of substance, something that can be sustained, and grown, and cannot be simply taken away at a moments notice.

This kind of love is truly unconditional. It doesn't depend on whether or not two people are friends, lovers, husband and wife, or rarely see each other. This kind of humanity is something that we are all capable of, and in my opinion, should be what is valued, celebrated, and practiced.

The ultimate sexy selfie!! Um, and how to shoot and edit your own porno...

With the technology available to all of us via our smart phones, people all over the world are shooting self portraits and posting pics of themselves in all kinds of various places, positions, and “looks.” It’s not surprising to see women in bikinis taking pics of themselves in the mirror, or guys showing off their abs at the gym. Soccer moms, in clothing you’d never otherwise see them wearing, are putting their sexy side on display for the world to see. I don’t know that it’s true narcissism in action, but rather a fascination with the ability to be able to shoot, edit, post and share photos in ways we never could before. We are actually able to view ourselves like the super models, athletes, and celebrities we used to only see in magazines. Users can play with lighting, camera angles, and photos effects to put their best face forward.

There are even apps available to airbrush, sculpt, and perfect ourselves to show our “best” possible picture. With apps like Pixtr and Hello, Gorgeous your skin will be radiant, your teeth whitened, blemishes and wrinkles vanish. Facetune even allows the user to shrink body parts, tightening abs, firming thighs, and masking any perceived flaws we may have. With Enhance Booth you can create muscle bulk, or make your lips, eyes, and ass bigger with a simple action. SINGLE MEN AND WOMEN BEWARE! The person you met online may not look exactly like the person you eventually meet for coffee or a drink.

If you thought the push up bra and padded ass jeans were false advertising, you’ve got a lot more to worry about in the world of internet dating sites. What is a little more clear; however, is what men and women are willing to share. She may say in her profile that she, ”Likes to take things slow…” or “ Doesn’t kiss on the first date.” Yet she has suggestive pics displayed, and starts sending semi-nude selfies once you begin corresponding via text… Hmmm? Mixed messages? I think there is still an element of self discovery and exploration in this digital age. We are able to connect in ways that we never have before, and it is creating etiquette and challenging boundaries we never even knew we had.

As we display our secret personas and intimate selves, we undoubtedly push the envelope with what we are willing to share. Couples everywhere are engaging in sexting, phone sex, and increased sexual activity via technology. We have learned the language of text banter, and the art of the provocative email, and now we’re able to shoot, edit, and deliver our own home-grown porn.

With the imovie app for iphone, the user can easily import video from their camera roll, zoom in, speed up or slow down the action, and add music. Bum-chicka-bum -bum…. (C’mon. I can’t be the only one who’s thought of this?) Whether you shoot solo masturbation videos, or get your lover to consent to penetration and cum shots, the possibilities are endless! What better way to show your lust and infatuation than with a personalized sexy video of yourself or the both of you celebrating your passion?! There are still some challenges though. imovie for iphone doesn’t allow you to add effects on the video, you’ll have to download a secondary app like VideoFX live,and treat the video before you drop it into your imovie project. You will need to know how to set up a good shot, have decent lighting, and eventually a knack for editing if you want to show it at the next film festival; however.... Just sayin’

Wanna give it a whirl? Grab your smartphone the next time you’re feeling frisky and start shooting. Just play and see what kind of pics you get. Try some video too, you can always simply delete if you want to forget it ever happened.

Just remember, once you send it, it’s gone forever. So make sure you trust the person you’re sexting implicitly. Emails, texts, and shared pics and videos are floating around in cyberspace, no doubt making a lot of hackers and techie people very happy. A good rule of thumb: no face pics, no distinguishable markings, and nothing that could identify you completely--should you ever wish to deny it.

How to have the man of your dreams...

This may sound like a lofty claim, but really it's quite simple. Having the partner you've always dreamed of is a realistic notion, and with a few simple steps, you CAN have your cake, and eat it too....



As the saying goes, "Art Imitates Life." So I am using Hollywood's examples of love to add color to my basic philosophies on creating happy relationships.

With the recent split of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, I've found myself thinking about what went wrong. Sure, it was doomed from the beginning you say. He was a hot young celebrity, and she a sexy older woman... which means only one thing... at some point, she'd just be too old. But I don't think it's that basic.

From what we can gather from the tabloids, it sounds like he did crave some strange from the younger set, and she MAY have even indulged him. There were rumors of threesomes and indiscretions, afterall. However, I think the underlying cause of what we can blame on "her age" is the self-doubt and insecurity. So, step #1 to having the man of your dreams: Be confident and love yourself.

What Hollywood has also taught us, is that honesty can make a relationship work. Celebs Mo-nique and Sydney Hicks declaring their open marriage confirms that they each have needs as human beings that may not always be met within their personal relationship. This doesn't mean that we should all be in open marriages, but what it does suggest is step #2: We should clearly discuss our needs and expectations both before and during our relationship.... scary I know, this means communication. Btw, needs are subject to change.


And Step #3 is to create the partner of your dreams. Yes I did say create. I don't mean nagging your husband to do what you want, or complaining that he never "this" or doesn't "that." Creating the partner of your dreams is using your mind to focus on the best attributes of the person you love. I'm sure you saw the movie Shallow Hal? The message of that film wasn't that beauty is within. It wasn't that we could love someone who wasn't attractive to other people. It's that WE create the beauty we see in the world. Feelings of love, and even lust aren't created by our eyes, they are feelings that swell in our minds.

You're probably thinking, "You said this would be easy." But I said it would be simple. It is simple to love yourself, be honest and communicate, and think good thoughts. What's difficult is letting go of the other stuff. Self-loathing, doubt, fear of rejection, selfishness, resentment. On days like today, we are reminded (rather obnoxiously) to love and cherish one another. Just don't forget to carry it with you every other day of the year.

Am I a Cougar?!

There's been a lot of hype surrounding "cougars" in the past few years, Demi Moore has Ashton Kutcher, Courtney Cox had David Arquette, and there are websites popping up so that younger men and cougars can find each other. It seems as though it is almost a new trend to be a cougar, even though women (and men) have been "robbing the cradle" for years.

While I am halfway through my 30's, I am hardly an older woman. I was recently at a bar dancing with some friends and young guys who were celebrating one of their birthdays, and I was asked by another guy who was watching us why I was dancing with someone who was clearly much younger than me.

I was taken aback for a moment that this guy was essentially offending me by calling me old, and then got annoyed that he was kind of calling me a "cougar!" My girlfriend heard the exchange of words, and defended him saying, "He just wanted to dance with you himself." So, his way of asking me to dance was to offend me. Nice.

I don't often dish out pick-up advice or single person bar etiquette, but I feel like the guys who are out at these bars are missing something.

To the single guy at the bar:
-I am a married woman who is out dancing at a bar.
-I am wearing my wedding ring, and will admit to being married if asked.
-I enjoy dancing A LOT.
-I do not like being groped while dancing, but do enjoy grooving or even "freaking" with you if vibe is right.
-I generally will gravitate toward a dance partner who is having fun, and is not concerned if they appear to be dorky.... these guys tend to be YOUNGER.
-Don't expect to get my number, since I am not looking to date or have an affair.
-Don't be upset when you ask for my number and I tell you I am married. I wasn't hiding anything from you the last hour we were dancing.

That being said, I must acknowledge that there is another party to address. The actual cougars themselves. Yes guys, there are married women out there who do want to take you home, maybe go on a date, and perhaps even participate in an affair. This comes from a lack of passion in their life, not just their marriage, and they are looking for you to fill the empty void that has now become their reality. Be gentle with them.

To the Cougars:
-The young men will scope out the bars for the hot young chicks first, then as the clock ticks and the booze flows, they will be drawn to your deeper sense of self confidence and willingness to enjoy yourself without fear of what others think.
-Don't drink too much, beer goggles go both ways!
-Don't shit where you sleep. Most likely you are in a bar where someone might actually know you or your husband. Be respectful of appearances to some degree. You can save all the inappropriate touching for later.
-Don't fall in-love. You're picking up a band-aid, not a replacement part. This guy will never fill your husband's shoes so don't expect him to.
-Understand the difference between sex and love.

This is a tough one since most likely you haven't had much of either in your life lately. Love is respectful, considerate, kind, and UNCONDITIONAL. Love knows who you are at puking from the stomach flu, and what's underneath the make-up and hair during your best moments. Love can understand that you have a need to feel beautiful, desirable and full of life. Which brings me to me next rant.

To the one who is left at home:
-If you are shocked by this advice, get over it.
-Your wife (or husband) was once young and appealing to the opposite sex.
-Sometimes, all that is needed is to be seen, to be acknowledged by someone other than you. We all have an ego, and we all have the need for attention, be it shallow or not.
-Don't think you can be the center of someone else's universe and then be shocked when it implodes.
-Try to give your partner the freedom to be sexy. You might be surprised and find that the more freedom you give them, the less inclined they are to use it.

Some men won't allow their wives out dancing with their girlfriends thinking that they might be tempted to stray from their marriage. Personally I find this rather condescending. I am not a child, and I am in control of what I do with my body.

I am equally saddened to hear women say they don't allow their husbands to go to a strip club or attend a Vegas bachelor party for the same reason.

Define the boundaries in your relationships, and trust that your partner is capable of keeping their promise to you. Infidelity happens, but the chances increase if one or the other feel trapped in their relationship. Keep an open line of communication and expect the best of each other.

"Oscar Curse" or new discussions for your relationship?

I've been reading all the scandalous gossip swirling around Hollywood's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock and her not so sweet husband, Jesse James. His alleged affair with tattoo model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee is a nauseating, overwhelming, and completely un-shocking chapter in the world of guilty pleasures. But as much as I would like to comment on the details, I am already tired of the story. What I do find interesting is the combination of a this "breaking news" in the aftermath of Sandra Bullock's Oscar win as best actress (yes, I know it's officially "actor"), to the interview between Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner Mo'nique and Barbara Walters.

We are so quick to talk about the cheating husband, the poor unsuspecting wife, and the slutty mistress, but nobody is talking about the happily married couple in a self-proclaimed "open marriage."

Here's a woman who is confident enough to NOT SHAVE her hairy legs, and says an affair is not a deal breaker in their relationship. I salute the strength and honesty of Mo'nique. I think her attitude and outlook on marriage, especially in Hollywood is a much more realistic approach to the unnatural agreement of monogamy.

Yes, I said UNnatural. Humans are not monogamous by nature. We have been socially programmed to be monogamous as a survival tactic. Long before religion had a say in how we should be committed to one another, evolution played a role in determining the optimal relationship status for humans. Homo sapiens were in danger of becoming extinct, there was a strong desire to procreate and speculation suggests that had early man been monogamous, that inbreeding would have done our species in.

Marriage is a relatively modern concept: a contractual agreement before God and country that two people promise to practice monogamy and remain partners til death. For this promise, they receive status and tax benefits... sounds romantic doesn't it?

Sandra Bullock proclaimed her love for Jesse James, and thanked him at nearly every recent acceptance speech I can think of. She obviously bought into the whole monogamy thing, and yet he allegedly has not.

Mo'nique and Sydney Hicks have publicly claimed they have an open marriage. She told Barbara Walters on her Oscar interview that if either of them wanted to have an affair with another person that it would not jeopardize their marriage.

So, for all of you in relationships, I think it's the perfect time to discuss these two award winning actresses and decide which one you'll be. Will you be the lead actor in a role, getting blindsided when you discover that your supporting actor isn't who you thought he was, or will you be happily fulfilled as a best supporting actress to your lifelong partner?

Let's face it folks, there are two kinds of lovers out there, one who is dedicated to and capable of monogamy, and those who aren't. The problem is, most people don't find out if their spouse is on the same page until it's too late. Mo'nique has blazed a trail to openly discuss marriage with your partner. Whether or not you decide to walk down the path to truth is up to you.