Tinder Tips, Online Flirting, and how to sext your wife!!

The world of online dating and cyber flirtations is one that requires some experience and navigation. My single and divorced friends seem to fair pretty well, but I can't imagine having to actually sift through the plethora of potential mates that are readily available. Not to mention, the rejection, inappropriate and sometimes shocking messages that seem to be a part of the game.... and yes, it is a game.

There is definitely an element of fun and excitement that comes along with setting up a profile on any social media, and dating sites are even more hormone inducing. The fact that the you're even creating a profile on a dating site brings a certain testosterone and adrenaline boost. The thrill of the possibilities and the initial "likes" and "matches" pump chemicals straight from the brain into the bloodstream. Scientists are already testing theories on how these constant dopamine boosts affect our brain and body development, but for the time being, let's just concede that these responses do in fact exist. You know the feeling... your phone dings... your Facebook notifies you that someone likes your post... your Instagram and Twitter accounts boast new followers... dopamine, dopamine, dopamine... reward for a job well done.

Now let's apply this to the online dating scene. You post a profile, you swipe right on a hot girl or guy, and it's a match! Instant wood.... later you get a notification that they like your "moment," or has sent you a "message." GAME ON. What happens from here is entirely in the way you play it.

Guys: If you send a message, try something more than "Hi." Or "Hello." Unless it's a very enthusiastic "Helloooooo...." followed by an excited Emoji. Give us girls some recognition. Comment on something you saw or read on the profile. Make us feel a little special. Whether you want to actually date us or just have sex with us… it’s all the same game. Make conversation. Give us a chance to feel comfortable with you. If we’re DTF, we’ll let you know. The banter will come naturally.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES start sending immediate messages about your dick, her mouth, or any other sexual part of her body!!!

GET A CLUE... TAKE A HINT... DON'T BE A CREEP...

If she hasn’t asked for a pic of your third leg, don’t send it… no matter how awesome you think you are. We just don’t respond well to uninvited images of your bits and pieces, sorry guys. Women need an emotional component to visual stimuli, we don’t need to be in-love, but we need… something…

That being said, once she’s asked for a naughty pic, make it good one. Bathroom selfies are fine, if you’re laying in bed, please take the socks off, or crop them out of the picture. If you’re hand is on your featured asset, make sure your nails and your joystick are clean.

Girls: It's pretty simple. What is the goal? If it's to find a real relationship, don't come on too strong with the flirtatious vibes. Tinder is generally known as a hook-up site, so be forewarned. But I also do know of people who like the people they meet on Tinder better than any other site or app, and even people who have gotten married. But be clear about your purpose. If you want to date a guy, don’t send seductive messages, or sexy selfies once you go off Tinder and onto texts. Wait until you’ve actually met them in person (and perhaps even had sex with them) before you send suggestive messages. It can be confusing to these poor guys who, let’s face it, may not know exactly what they want.

If you’re looking for a straight hook-up, be direct. Again, guys can be a little clueless, or even scared, so make your messages as plain as possible. That doesn’t mean they don’t like a little banter too, or even to feel like they’ve chase you a little bit… but DO let them know that you’re not playing games. Ask them to take the conversation off of Tinder, ask them for pics, so you know what you’re getting when the clothes come off, and that they actually do look like their profile pics. Be cautious of which racy pics you send, no faces or identifying marks!! If this is a "hit it and quit it" situation, you can’t trust that they won’t be shared.

Here are a few tips for getting your profile liked on these apps and sites:

1. Both sexes: Use your best pics first! The initial swipes are based on looks… shallow, but true. If you’re not the most attractive guy or gal, ask an honest pal which pics make you look the most interesting or appealing. NO Seatbelt car pics... for real. And try to post pics that show a variety of facial expressions to really show your personality.

2. Guys: Don’t post pics of you with a fish! Women just don’t care. If you are into fishing, tell them in person. If you’re trying to send subliminal messages about your ability to provide food for me… uh. please don’t … Ladies: This applies to your pics with your kids. Yes, you're a mom, but unless you're looking for a replacement daddy, nobody cares about your kids yet. Just write it in the profile description.

3. Both sexes: Don’t post multiple pics with a bunch of friends. First of all, they'll have to figure out which one is you, and they might think one of your friends is hot. So if they did date you, and your friend showed up somewhere, it could get complicated. One is fine, multiples is just asking for a left swipe.

4. Both sexes: Make sure we can see your face clearly. If there are too many far away shots… it’s a left swipe.

5. Both sexes: Pics with puppies and or cats... play this one modestly. Guys: we know you're playing with our emotions here, so just know that we're on to you. Girls: Too many cat pics are a red flag... just saying.

So how do the married people get in on the game? Send naughty messages to each other!! Pretend as though you're meeting online for the first time, and start a conversation. Perhaps you're created "stage names" ahead of time, so you know that when your husband or wife refer to you as a certain name, that it's time to play. Give them the dopamine jolt by dinging their phone with flirtatious and sexy messages throughout the day. Ask them to meet you for coffee, or a cheap motel room and play out the fantasy of hooking up for the first time. Not only do you get to flirt with your partner, but the two of you can also play out roles that might be different from your everyday lives. Don't let the stress of work and family life kill your sex-life with your partner. Find ways to create fun games and new sexual experiences for each other to keep them lusting you, even after all these years.

If you need tips on how to take a sexy selfie, read my post here!

To hear to the full show on Tinder Tips, Online flirting, and how to sext your wife, listen to Episode 15 on Play With on Playboy Radio.

Talk Dirty to me

We’ve heard that men are more visually stimulated and women are more audibly stimulated. B what the studies really represent is the encompassing of all the senses for women to be truly turned on. While the actual physicality of the act of sex can stimulate the male brain, women require an emotional component to the visual. I’m not saying they have to see a romantic story per se, but that generally there needs to be a story attached to the act, thus creating an emotional piece to the scene.

So what does this have to do with talking dirty?

What you say is as important as how you say it. Whether you’re telling your girl she’s a dirty slut, or that she’s a goddess who deserves to be worshipped, you’re creating a feeling. Telling a story before, during, or after your hot sex session isn’t rocket science, but it’s definitely an art.

So how does your partner want to be talked to? What kind of sounds and words do they respond well to? And what words DON’T work for them? Have they told you how sexy you sound when you’re cumming? This is a good indication that they like hearing you. If you’re not sure if they’ll respond well to dirty talk, try whispering in their ear a few light and sexy phrases.

“You feel so good…”

“If you keep doing that, you’re going to make me cum.”

If they give you a a vocal response of any kind, they are probably open or at least intrigued by your words. This is a great way to test the waters before cannonballing in. After you’ve finished your session, talk about it. Ask them if they liked it when you talked in their ear. Ask them if they’d like you to talk more. Ask them what kind of things they’d like to hear. For example, many of our female panel wasn't turned on by the words penis and vagina. So saying, "I want to lick your vagina" may not get the juices flowing. Similarly, "Suck my penis" didn't make any top five lists either... in case you felt compelled to use the anatomical words for your sex bits. Some women would be be turned on by being called a "whore," while others would get up a leave. So find out their YES! words, as well as the ones that dry up the well, or shrivel the boys. Otherwise, tread lightly.

Once you get the green light, see where your dirty dialogue takes you! Will it be descriptive? Intructional? Or used for playing out fantasy scenarios? Will you tell them how you can wait to make love to them, or what they will be wearing when you get home from work, and what you will do to them if they are not obedient, or will you be the head master at an all girl's Catholic School who's just found out she has been smoking in the bathroom? The possibilities are endless when it comes to the magic that can spew from your lips. Let it flow, get creative, be frisky, be playful, and bask in the magic of your sexual lyrics.

New to Dirty Talk and need some tips? Here are some expert tips from former Phone Sex Operator and Sex Educator Ashley Manta!

1. Use someone else’s words… read straight from some erotica.

2. Practice out loud while you’re alone driving in the car, or while you masturbate. (bonus: it makes masturbation hotter too!)

3. Dirty Madlibs! You can fill in the blanks to create some super sexy and orgasm inducing statements. Dowload her free e-book here to get more tips to mind-blowing dirty talk.

Long Distance lovers? Start their day off with a naughty text and keep the fun going all day long. Arrange a day and time when you can both stay focused on your phone frolic! You'll be surprised how much the written word can keep people connected who are challenged by distance. Hone your skills via text and recorded voice memos and see how practice makes perfect when your expert prose finally has the chance to be spoken in person.

Listen to our full show Episode 7 on Playboy Radio, including some suggestions of talking dirty from our listeners, our panel, and the interview with Ashley Manta!

Married people-single sex! Have sex like you're single again!

It happens... that point in a relationship where watching a TV show, or even sleeping, is suddenly more exciting that the prospect of sex with your partner. It's not that you don't love them anymore, or that you're not sexually attracted to them anymore (well, most of the time). So why is it so much work to muster up the energy to actually start the ball rolling...?

Let's back track for just a second and clarify. I'm referring to relatively happy couples in monogamous relationships, who do still care for one another...

So, what's a guy or gal to do when the desire and passion starts to fade?

Let's first discuss why the passion starts to fade and take it from there...

There are several reasons why people lose the sexual energy they once had with their long-term or lifelong partner. Let's be real... we've tapped that before.. we already know what we're getting... we've already been there, done that...

Reason 1. There's no element of surprise and spontaneity anymore for many couples. In other words, we're bored. Solution: Plan a romantic night out for your lover! Shop for sexy lingerie, or bring home a new sex toy! Create new moments of sexy experiences to keep the fire burning!

Then there's the actual time it takes to have sex. Many parents are already exhausted from work and caring for the kids. That generally leaves evening for any possibility of sex. But they don't have a place to have sex, because their kids are still awake. When the kids are finally asleep, they don't have the energy. (this is assuming, of course, that one or both partners isn't bothered by, and is capable of completing the task, knowing that their kids might hear them)

Reason 2. Lack of time and/or availability of location for sex. Solution: Make date night a priority! Plan time to spend together, if you have the money, get a hotel room, or drop the kids off at the in-laws and make sexual reconnection an important part of your life!

Now let's consider the hormones necessary for the libido to function properly.

Testosterone has been widely recognized as the hormone that creates sex drive; however, we should differentiate between sex drive and sexual desire. One can have sexual desire without much sex drive. This can happen in the case of erectile dysfunction, whereas the man is lacking the ability to create and sustain an erection, but is still interested in sex. Then there's the case of those who might experience a lack of sexual interest, not a lack of sex drive.... this can happen a lot with both sexes.

Reason 3. Lack of sex drive due to decreased testosterone. Solution: Do everything you can to physically and mentally stay interested in sex.

When you're dating it's simple. In a recent study, it was determined that when two people meet and experience mutual attraction, their testosterone levels spike! If only one person felt an attraction, and the other did not; however, there was no elevation in the levels of testosterone. So simply put, when there was a probability of sex, the body responded favorably to make this happen.

Let's face it, lower levels of testosterone can completely kill a sexual relationship, so understanding the physiology of sex certainly can't hurt. As with our overall health, a healthy diet and exercise is crucial in regulating and maintaining our hormone levels. Anti-depressants and birth control are known to decrease desire, but are part of many American couples lives, so make sure you combat these medications by staying healthy. Stress can cause a huge strain on relationships and sexual desire, do whatever you can to keep the stress levels down.

But there are times of the month, as well as in life, when women's testosterone levels increase. (Yay for the guys who are married to them!) Just before ovulation (which would be when she is most fertile) testosterone is prevalent, but as her ovulation cycle comes to an end, estrogen levels drop resulting in less lubrication. (not fun) So guys: If you'd like to increase your chances of getting laid, hit your wife up between the 24th day of her menstrual cycle, and the 14th day of her next month's cycle. Show her that you still think she's a hot piece of ass (i.e.:send those mating hormones into hyperdrive), and don't give her all the same moves. Send her sexy messages throughout the day (be cautious with your chosen words, she may not like porn chatter during kid hours), touch her in ways that are non-sexual, compliment her, look her in the eyes, make her laugh. Change it up, make an effort, make her feel desired, and let the fun begin.

Ladies, if your man is seemingly less interested in sex, consider the changes his body might be experiencing. As men age, they too have a decrease in testosterone. They may be less interested in sex, loose head and body hair, feel tired even though they get enough sleep, have trouble staying focused, loose muscle mass, gain more body fat, all of which can also make daddy feel not so sexy... How can you help?! Boost his ego with sexy text messages, pictures, and mental stimulation throughout his day. Tell him things that you know will drive him crazy. Let him know you're thinking about sex! Men are very visual creatures, paint a picture for him of what lies ahead... and give detailed descriptions.

Then there's the not so easy part to explain, the part that requires more than just a bucket of sex toys, a babysitter, and a bottle of wine. Resentments, infidelity, emotional needs that are not being met...

Reason 4. You have issues.... Solution: see a couples counselor. Your relationship was worth it at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now... and if it's not worth salvaging, you'll be having single sex soon enough anyway.

Sensual Vs Sexual Touch... and is touching flirting?

I was appalled when I looked up the definition for sensual. I agree with the definition that it is something that “relates to or affects the senses or sensory organs,” but was shocked to see the second listing on my google search… lacking in moral restraints, lewd, or unchaste? WTF?! I can see where a religious entity or morally rigid person could contort the meaning of the word to apply it to their teachings and/or way of life. But to have the word sen>su>al tossed into a pile of “bad” words in an actual online reference is simply ludicrous. Give synonyms?! Say it “suggests” something that could be brought on by something lacking in moral restraints, but to say the DEFINITION of sensual is lewd??!! C’mon…

The definition of sexual contact accroding to the free dictionary, is as what I expected. Concise, explicit, and straightforward. "The touching of ... any other person's intimate parts, or the intentional touching of the clothing covering the immediate area of the other person's intimate parts"

So how do these two concepts get confused?

The word sensual gets lumped in with sex all too often, when in actuality, both are able to exist without the other. One can have a sensual experience without involving sex, just as one can have sex without it being sensual. Great sex generally involves more than penetration. When lovers can connect with their senses and be aware of their physical, mental, and emotional self during sex, the results can be… well, explosive.

Let’s just talk about one of our senses-TOUCH. It seems these days that many of us are disconnected with our physical self. We are afraid to make contact with ourselves, or each other. We neglect one of the most vital needs we have as human beings, the need to be touched. There have been studies which concluded that babies who didn’t get enough physical contact were more likely to die. There was ample nutrition, shelter, and care, but deprived of human touch, they withered away. Today in nurseries around the world, babies in the NICU are allotted “touch time,” to ensure they are getting their daily dose of affection.

When was the last time you touched your partner outside of the bedroom? Do you even caress and squeeze and hold them IN the bedroom? Perhaps you hold their hand or pat their ass, but do you hold their face? Kiss their shoulder? Caress their back? When was the last time you touched them for the sake of being sensual? Not sexual…not with any intention of having actual sex…but simply because it felt good to touch them?

Do you touch strangers? I do it all the time, I meet people in the AcroYoga community who fly me on their feet, and hold my hands, and touch my shoulders, among other areas... It is a warm, connective way to exercise, gain balance, stretch, get strong, and build friendships.

Does this make me a flirt?

I opened my inbox one day to find an email that boasted “The Art of Flirting,” I was surprised to see the following:

1. Eye contact

2. Smiling

3. Laughing at jokes

4. Using their name in conversation

5. Touching them while talking to them.

Based on these five bullet points, I flirt with everyone I ever come into contact with!! GUILTY! But what shocked me about this list, was that THIS is what is considered flirting in our society? What happened to actual words? Context? The suggestion of romance or sex… don’t these things count? Isn’t the purpose of “flirting” to express sexual availability and interest? Are we so deprived for human connection that engaging in any type of connected interaction is considered a flirtation? I assure you that I am an educated, confident woman, who IF I were sexually available or interested in you, would be quite capable of clearly relaying that message to you. I hope that more people will blur these imposed lines (who created them anyway?!) with me. I choose NOT to live in a world where men need to be seduced into a financial arrangement with women, where women are not property to be possessed. I CHOOSE to live in a world, where men and women can be intimate friends, and then communicate their needs and desires if they crave more.

I am saddened for our future if basic human behaviors aren’t safe from assumption and insinuation. I hope that more people will continue to simply laugh, smile, call me by name, and look me in the eye, while touching me in appropriate ways…

To hear more about AcroYoga and how it encourages safe touch, listen to my AcroYoga partner Tari Mannello and I discuss it on my show Play with Me, on Playboy Radio!