Is Porn good for you?

Apparently, I am potentially addicted to porn. Mind you, I don't think I've actually watched a real porn movie in over 5 years...if not more... But by answering a few simple questions in a quiz on Mensfitness.com, I was labeled as, “bordering on being problematic.”

The mere fact that my healthy sex drive would cause me to answer yes to any of these questions shouldn't be a basis for determining whether or not I have a porn addiction. What it does say about our society in general, is that the overall consensus is, PORN IS BAD.

There is so much negative energy surrounding the word "Porn." People are incredibly offended by it, and many people won't admit to actually watching porn, when clearly the statistical data proves that we all do. Yep, men and women... both watch porn.

According to an article by The Huffington Post, 70% of men watch porn (some other sites rate that percentage much higher) along with 30% of women. In fact, 30% of data that is transferred across the internet is PORN. An article from mandatory.com cites that “people are viewing porn, more than Facebook, Twitter, and Hulu combined…” and we know how much y’all like Facebook. Their claims are pretty staggering… “At any second of the day worldwide, nearly 30 million unique visitors are viewing porn.” And yet we still deny we watch it… hmmm. “In 2001, there were around 70,000 adult websites. Today, just 13 years later, they are more than 4.2 million pornographic websites in the U.S. alone. It does not take a math major to figure out that increase is tremendous. Either people are lying about watching porn or people are lying about watching porn.”

So, why are we so afraid to admit that we watch and even “like” porn? We know that visual stimulation produces fantastic results. We know that men are more visually stimulated sexually. Many men say that they use porn as a way to kick-start the session, but usually finish thinking about a personal experience. Sex therapists have recommended porn with a vibrator as a great way to ensure she climaxes, as most women don’t achieve orgasm through straight up intercourse.

I posed the question on my social media, and interviewed people while attending Adultcon at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Here are a few sound bites from people who were more than happy to speak on the subject….

While people at the porn convention were open and communicative, my social media accounts proved how much of a negative stigma is still attached to the word. Women commented in response to my question: “What do you think of when you view porn?” But most men stayed far away from the topic. Men who would normally “like” or comment wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. They did however feel comfortable private messaging me or texting me their thoughts, but didn’t want to have their personal social media accounts show the “activity” that would confirm that they actually watch porn. One man messaged me by saying, “my wife would be horrified if I posted this, but I watch porn and think, ‘I want to do that with my wife.’” This sentiment is beautiful and heart-breaking. This man who, adores his wife, is inspired to find ways to give her pleasure and bring them together as a couple, is shamed by her lack of interest and most likely a negative outlook on sex with her own husband, as well as porn.

**Is porn bad? If this man didn’t have porn, where would he release the sexual energy that his wife won’t share with him? Have an affair perhaps…

If you made it all the way through the soundbites I posted above, you would’ve heard one woman’s opinion that watching porn is considered adultery to her and her husband. They feel that seeing images of other people creates feelings of lust and visual imagery that might be hard to suppress during their love-making. They want to be as “pure of heart” as they possibly can for each other. While she didn’t express an opposition to the existence of porn, she was strongly against porn in their relationship. Religion was the reason cited for their mutual decision to avoid porn, and I respect her choice to maintain her commitment to her faith and her relationship.

If religion is your reason for not supporting porn, this blog might not rub you the right way…. pun intended. How you should feel about porn, gay marriage, anal sex, BDSM lifestyles, and any other “un-natural” sex acts, may have already been decided. While I am lucky to have several religious friends who view sex as a healthy, adventurous, loving way to celebrate their relationships in all kinds of playful ways, I know there are more religious readers who are less open-minded about the topic. To those readers, I hope you continue reading….

It seems like porn is unavoidable these days. You can easily search a term that accidentally gives you pages of porn related materials and websites with an innocent and random word. But is all this access to porn, and the actual content itself good for us?

According to Dr. Judith Reisman, PII or Pornographically Induced Impotence is a growing epidemic. She shares opinions of several doctors and professors who attest that porn can be extremely damaging to libido and emasculating, “castrating men of all ages and races.” They also admit that the percentage of men who suffer from PII is unknown…. She is also, if you didn’t know, one of the prominent anti-Kinsey Institute protestors, who feels that his work has sexually sabotaged our society. I wasn’t able to find links from her article to scientific data supporting these opinions, but they are compelling nonetheless. If you fear that porn might cause you to become impotent, you may also want to worry that masturbation will cause you to go blind. Generally, limiting your exposure to these images will restore your body’s natural response to erotic stimulus. These “cases” of PII ares extreme examples of over-exposure to porn and porn addiction. Most of you, dear readers, will not fall into this category.

Next let’s discuss dopamine… the pleasure reward we receive in the brain. Porn doesn’t just give you warm fuzzy feelings in the genitals. It gives us a dopamine rush, which is why some people can become addicted to porn. Just as we can become addicted to our social media, porn provides endless hours of distractions and new visual experiences to keep the dopamine flowing. Some therapists recommend taking a break from your porn (and/or your social media) occasionally to reset the baseline for your dopamine tolerance. There are several studies being done on the long term effects of these constant dopamine dings. So far I haven’t seen any conclusive studies on long term effects, but the social media and smart phone age is still relatively new. it could take decades for us to actually see any type of biological evolution in correlation to the increase in dopamine for the average human.

Is porn bad for relationships? Couples who watch porn together say they experience a boost in their sex life. They like to “spice up” their intimate relations by adding visual stimulation, or use porn as an instructional video to try new things. Some woman express fears that their partners will be less attracted to them because they are masturbating to images of other women’s bodies. But they might be surprised to hear that men are more inclined to watch the female actresses facial expressions rather than her actual body. They are more turned on by the idea that this woman is enjoying her sexual encounter. It could be argued that social media is bad for relationships. In some of the same surveys that claim that “watching internet porn” ruined 58% of marriages, it also cites that 40% blame extra-marital relationships that began online. Does the internet or porn itself break up the marriage? Or do feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and lack of intimacy create the need for people to meet those needs in other places? Is McDonald’s responsible for making people fat? Or do we all have the capacity to make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies, and take responsibility for how our actions may affect our relationships? Yes, addiction is real… addiction to porn, alcohol, drugs, and a plethora of other things can negatively impact one’s life. They may withdraw from society, prioritize their addiction over family, work, and life itself. ADDICTION is bad, porn….?

There are surveys being done on how viewing porn effects our expectations about sexual partners, and whether or not it discourages interest and commitment to romantic relationships. Again, I haven’t found any links to actual scientific data. What they generally say is that people who watch porn are more likely to have intercourse at an earlier age, have multiple sex partners, be open to the idea of casual sex, have less interest in romantic partnering, and may experience dissatisfaction in long term monogamous relationships. In all my recreational research on sex, and how people have sex, I would say that all of those things apply to a person who isn’t overly exposed to pornography as well. People want sex, they want to feel desired, they want to be naked and copulate with other sexually attractive mates, they want love, they crave affection and attention, and they even want to get married and have kids. I assure you, the business of marriage is in full force. USA Today predicts that there will be 2.208 million weddings in 2015.

So then, is watching other people have sex bad for you? I believe that it's healthy. In other cultures listening to someone have sex, or possibly even seeing others have sex is a natural part of everyday life. Families live in small dwellings. Parents share rooms and sometimes even beds with their offspring. People live in small villages and communities where the hiding of their sex acts isn’t necessary or even plausible to be hidden. Does this make them sexual deviants? I think having a healthy attitude toward sex and sexuality is of tremendous importance. Whether you choose or even promote celibacy, we shouldn't be opposed to the idea of sexual awareness, open communication about sex, and overall sex positivity.

Embracing sex, in all forms, is the best form of sex education. Porn shows people having sex. It doesn’t show people necessarily being intimate, but it also doesn’t hide or romanticize the reality of the act of sex. It doesn’t make excuses for itself, it doesn’t limit the way people orgasm, it represents all types of sexual activity, and all types of sexual stimulus. Porn brings people together by validating desires. Desires that could be considered deviant, or abnormal. By allowing people to experience those desires in a way that is not harming other people, purely experienced by choice (one must click to view, and can opt-out by a simple click at any time), and produced legally with consensual adults (we are not talking about illegal porn in this post), there is fulfillment. Porn can also inspire creativity and teach people how to make love better. Couples can watch porn together and ask each other to do things they see portrayed in the videos. They may even be exposed to things they don't realize they like. Everything from the way a porn actor is kissed, touched, licked, and yes, fucked, can be a new experience for the viewer to discover pleasure within their own relationships. The point and the benefit is that they are communicating their sexual needs and desires.

Is porn good for you? You'll have to decide that on your own or together, but I say that if you aren't bordering addiction and withdrawing from society, a spoonful of porn a day might just keep the divorce away.

To listen to the full episode, "Is PORN good for you?" On Playboy Radio, click here http://bit.ly/PlayWithMeShow

50 Shades Movie Review: from a married, sexually adventurous, mom of a teenage daughter.

There has been a lot of controversy online about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. People who feel passionately that it is setting a bad example for our young girls about what a relationship should look like, and what normal sex should be.

I went into the theatre with an open mind to watch the scenes and listen to the dialogue between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele to see if I felt that it was the abusive, controlling, torturous, sexist relationship that was being described in social media debates.

I will preface my review of the film by saying, I am a woman who enjoys sex and all aspects of sex play. While I’ve dabbled in the world of BDSM, I have not experienced a DOM-SUB relationship personally. I have never been sexually abused. I have read all the books. I have now seen the film. I am a mother to a teenage daughter. The opinions to come, if at all biased, are reflective of who I am. Take them as you will.

Here’s what I never saw:

1. Christian Grey abusing, torturing, or otherwise harming Anastasia Steele.

2. Anything other than consensual sex and intimacy between two adults.

3. A controlling relationship. While Christian Grey “requests” total control in their relationship, Ana never actually gives it.

What I did see:

1. Highly erotic scenes of fantasy play (ie: restraints, light whippings and floggings) and lots of nudity.

2. A woman being pleasured sexually by a man who adored her.

3. A relationship in conflict. Two people trying to negotiate the balancing act of their needs and boundaries.

For those who are saying that it portrays women in a submissive and anti-feminist light:

While Ana’s character is asked to be his “submissive,” She maintains her life outside of the designated play hours. She is asked to “agree” to make herself available to him in whatever way he sexually desires in exchange for her pleasure, and the ability to be in a relationship with him. She is never asked to cook, clean, or otherwise play a traditionally female role in his life. As part of the contract she is required to be exclusive to him sexually, and to be on the pill. She is not expected to give up her free will, but rather, to know that there will be consequences to her actions should she decide to "break the rules."

In a “normal” relationship, women are generally expected to cook and clean, raise children, and work, oh, and have sex exclusively with him, for his pleasure.

For those who say that she is abused, tortured, isolated and humiliated:

Let’s take these one at a time…

From Wikipedia, the definition of abuse

Ana is “spanked” for punishment after Christian warns her “If you roll your eyes at me again, I will take you over my knee.” She of course, rolls her eyes later in the scene, and he lays her over his lap, pulls up her dress and asks her if she understands why he is doing this. After his initial spank, he asks her if she likes it, and then again, if she would like more. Doesn’t sound like “abuse” to me.

Ana is later brought into the Red Room (aka, his play room), where he introduces her to the experience of being teased and whipped with a riding crop while being restrained and blindfolded. Again, he asks her “Does it hurt.” He straps her spread eagle to his four poster bed with ropes and blindfolds her, then continues with some sensory play with feathers and a flogger. At no point in the film does it depict her in any pain until she asks him. “Show me” what the worst punishment would be.

This is the only scene people will or could have an issue with in my opinion. She is whipped on the ass with a leather belt 6 times. He explains exactly what will happen. He tells her she will count the whippings with him. She is NOT restrained or blindfolded. She is shown to appear to be in pain and is crying. However, where the tears are actually being derived from, is left to the viewer.

In the scene leading up to this “punishment,” she is arguing with him. Why he is like this? Why does he have a need to dole out punishments for her at all? And then of course, how severe would the worst punishment be? It is implied that he is an emotionally broken man, that he was abused as a child, and so needs to be abusive in a controlled environment to appease his demons. Her tears could be from the pain of the actual belt lashings, or they could be from her sadness that this man whom she is falling in love with was abused as a child. She could be crying because she is scared of what loving a man like him leaves her vulnerable to. Or she should could be crying because she herself feels unloved by her mother who fails to show up for her college graduation.

Tortured: Um, let’s see… she was given intense pleasure repeatedly… I’ll take some of that torture.

Isolated: Christina Grey introduces her to his family, meets Ana’s mother, is publicly photographed with her, spends time at her apartment as well as his, and refers to her as his girlfriend when the need to introduce her arises. Doesn’t sound very isolated to me.

Humiliated: He holds her hair back while she pukes, never once scolding her for making her own choices, but simply acknowledges that it wasn’t smart. He buys her new clothes to wear because she has vomited all over hers. Buys her a new computer because hers is broken. Takes her for a ride in his helicopter, and an adrenaline fueled ride in a glider. Makes sure she is well nourished. Tells her to never be ashamed of her body, that she has a beautiful body. Bathes her. Spends the night in bed sleeping with her, even though he said he doesn’t “do that.”

I could not find a single instance in the film where Ana is ever made to feel humiliated. It could be argued that she is scolded for not letting him know that she was traveling to see her mother out-of-state, and that he didn’t want her drinking her third Cosmo while she was out with her mom. But at that point in the film, they had already made agreements, expectations were in place, and again, “humiliated?” Embarrassed, perhaps.

For those who ask, “What are we teaching our daughters?”

I will say this. Movies suck as examples of what actual loving relationships look like. Our daughters are exposed to many lofty ideals of what passion, love, romance, and long-term relationships can be. Hollywood generally shows the fantasy fairy-tale as something to strive for… which can lead to serious disappointment. It was refreshing to see a man who knew himself, communicated his needs with authentic clarity, and gave her the ability to opt out. He never offered romance, but he was willing to give her everything else if she agreed. He would fuck her hard, respect, nuture, and care for her. Not a bad proposition if you ask me. I would be thrilled if my daughter encountered a gentleman like this man when she is an adult. A man who was intelligent, present, compassionate, attentive, respectful, and oh yes, wanted nothing more than to spend hours playing with her body and giving her pleasure.

For those who say that this contract was controlling and sexist…

What is Marriage? A legal and binding contract between two people “til death do they part.” And what details are discussed and outlined in this contract? Not much. I would much rather negotiate the terms of my relationship, my sexual pleasure, my physical and emotional health and well-being, than leave it chance based on whimsical lifelong decisions due to “feelings” of love and passion. You can call it cynical, or un-romantic, but you can’t deny the power of honest and open communication.

I’m sure people of the BDSM community will have a field day with this film. It’s very vanilla. It’s ONE fictional account of a POSSIBLE relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive. It barely grazes the surface of what types of sensations could be experienced between two consensual adults with creative minds and willing bodies. I do feel like it may introduce people who may have never considered fantasy play to a few fun scenarios in the bedroom. I hope it will create conversations between couples who want to spice things up, and that men and women will explore what they actually need and desire in their relationships.

Footnotes:

What I loved... the actors had real, beautiful bodies, and seemed to play together well on screen. I loved that they both had full bush, which was shown briefly and equally for both actors.

What I hated... that again a girl is conflicted by the potential of "love," that she is incapable of having sex without love. And that Christian Grey has to be a billionaire, perpetuating the ideal that men are there to provide. Oh and... there wasn't enough sex.

But then again, it is just a movie...

Let's Play With Our Food!

Does the idea of food and sex turn you on? We’ve just recently celebrated the biggest day for gluttony, and while most people think of it as a non-sexual holiday, I’m here to debate that idea. I find food incredibly sexy. The smells, the flavors, the textures of certain foods as they melt, dissolve or absorb into my mouth. I love the tangy, the salty, the sweet, and even the bitterness of foods, but they have to be the right flavors for the right foods. There’s something that happens when amazing food touches your lips. As the aromas are deeply inhaled through the nose, and the lips part slightly to feel the first contact. Is the food warm or cold? Does it feel hard or soft in your mouth? Does it melt onto your tongue or do you need to chew it to release it’s flavors? I can’t just “eat” a banana. I want to slowly ingest it’s goodness. I can’t simply bite and swallow for sustenance. I like to revel the inside of the banana first…. expose it’s naked flesh. Does it have bruising? Or is the yellow meat perfectly ripe and ready to be devoured? Then I slowly scrape the banana with my teeth to peel the outermost layer off, so I can chew and swallow a little at a time. It’s a strange ritual, that I must admit wasn’t my original idea. I watched a woman eat a banana in this way before, and while it was highly erotic, it is also the most effective way to enjoy the flavors of this phallic fruit.

So how does the brain respond to food? According to Reuniting.info we are attracted to food because of it’s pleasure and reward. We’ve all heard of Pavlov’s dog, but we generally don’t apply those concepts to our own human ways. We do create and associate experiences to pleasure in much the same way, remembering and responding to cues and conditions. So when we smell a specific food, we may be reminded of a pleasurable eating experience, and when those same flavors and textures are presented to us, our bodies respond favorably. Sounds a little like sex, right?

So can we actually orgasm through food consumption? A woman in the UK has been eating herself to orgasm, and has even created a porn site so you can watch. Gabi Jones has a condition called persistent genital arousal syndrome where she is able to achieve orgasm without sexual arousal. I’m glad I don’t have this condition. I already love food, if it gave me orgasms as well, I don’t think I’d ever leave my kitchen.

I do however love incorporating my love of food with my love of sex, and highly recommend that you play with your food. Food begs to be played with. Even as small children we are delighted by it’s textures and temperatures. We are taught NOT to play with our food, because clearly….. we WANTED TO!! So forget the restrictive lessons of your youth and get creative with your lover and your next meal together.

How can you introduce food into the bedroom? First, have a game plan. Don’t just start throwing your spaghetti at them and think they’re going to find it sexy. If your lover is a woman, she needs to know that there’s not going to be a huge mess to clean up afterward— huge orgasm inhibitor. So plan to either play away from home, or in the shower! Where clean up can be just as sexy as getting down and dirty…

Next, choose foods that beg to be licked, sucked, and devoured off of your lover’s body. Generally it’s best to stay away from anything spicy or temperature hot, unless you have edible candle wax. Dessert foods, chocolate sauce, honey, pudding, are all pretty safe bets.

Be careful not to get any sugary foods near the opening, or inside her lady parts. Sugary foods can affect a woman’s PH balance, and disrupt her delicate flora. Unless you don’t mind her being out of commission for a week afterward, just avoid eating her out like a chocolate fountain.

If you’re planning on using some stiff vegetables to penetrate your lover, make sure they’re clean and free from any loose parts, or slap a condom on it for extra sanitary measure.

Food and oral pleasures can bring on all kinds of sensory responses. From the associations and experiences we connect to the food itself, to the aromas, the textures, the temperature of foods… play with your lover, don’t just spray a dollop of whip cream and end the fun there. Find places to tease them with the food. Feed them. Pour liquids onto your body and let it roll into their mouths. Take a culinary journey with them. The goal isn’t to get to the sex, the sensual experience is what you’ve dedicated time to accomplish. Play…

To hear to the my show on playing with food, food play, which foods enhance your sex life, and which foods are known aphrodisiacs, listen to episode 16 on Play With Me on Playboy Radio!

How to shave your lover...

As Movember comes to a close, I felt it was the perfect follow-up to our previous post, "To Shave or not to Shave." While shaving his overgrown beard from his month of facial growth in support of men's health is NOT what we're talking about here... I suppose the same tips and techniques could be applied. I would definitely, however; consult with a trusted and known source for expert advice in this area. ;)

As for the nether regions, I feel pretty confident sharing my years of experience and expertise! Shaving your lover can be a super sexy and erotic experience for both of you. Not only because you're staring their private parts in the face, but because they've also trusted you with the most intimate bits and pieces. So take a deep breath, calm your nerves, 'cuz shaky hands aren't a good thing when you've a sharp object around their genitals.

1. First things first, BE PREPARED!! Shaving delicate parts require the right tools. A foamy shave cream for a smooth shave, and a new razor. A good disposable razor is fine for this. (You may also need some scissors if they haven't done much trimming in the area recently. Make sure the hair is short enough to be shave easily.)

2. Set the scene: Light some candles in the bathroom, but don't dim the lights too much (you need to see what you're doing, and you'll want to!!) Play some sexy tunes, pour yourselves a glass of wine, or a scotch neat, and settle in for the adventure ahead.

3. Warm the hair follicles with a hot bath, shower, or warm washcloth first.

4. Apply the foaming shave cream or work up a good lather with a soap, or use hair conditioner!

5. Always shave WITH the grain of the hair growth!! I will admit, there were times when I shaved against the grain of my hair growth, BUT I WAS A PROFESSIONAL!! I needed to get a super code shave, and I knew what the consequences might be! Don't take this risk with your lover's body. Razor burn sucks, and can potentially ruin the night.

6. Don't worry too much about the finished product. It's not about the end result, but about the experience. Use your wet fingers to run them over the area around their genitals and anus to make sure you haven't missed any stray hairs. Have them place a leg up on the side of the bathtub, or on a stool and kneel before them while you work. Tell them what you see. Comment on how much you love seeing their naked flesh.

Be careful with sharp objects!! Play safe, and have fun!

To hear to the full show on Shaving, listen to Episode 15 on Play With on Playboy Radio.

Tune in Tokyo! Breast and Nipple play

We all remember the scene from Girl’s Just wanna have fun where the line, “Wanna play tune in Tokyo?” is delivered…. unless you’re simply not as old as I am… in which case, I’ll explain. Tune in Tokyo was the guy’s way of getting her hands up out of the way so he could cop a feel, and essentially play with the girl’s nipples. Men are notoriously fascinated with boobs, tits, fun bags, whatever other way you’d like to refer to breasts. But along with breasts, come the delicious little nubs of pleasure and delight, called nipples.

Nipples don’t get nearly enough play time. Generally when people talk about sex, it’s straight up P to V…. in different positions, if you’re lucky. And then if you’re really blessed, you might be able to include oral sex. I’m all about playing, and when I refer to sex, it includes any and every possible scenario! So let’s discuss the possibility and potential of nipple orgasms. Is it possible for a women to reach orgasm through the stimulation of her nipples alone?

According to fMRI studies, the same area of the brain is activated through nipple stimulation as is during clitoral, and vaginal stimulation. The sensory cortex is the activated in the same way during nipple stimulation, as it is during clitoral, vaginal, and cervical stimulation. So…. YES!!! You can orgasm through nipple stimulation alone.

I must say however that tweaking a nipple, sucking it briefly during foreplay, and sucking it during sex for a moment does not constitute nipple play. Guys, does licking the tip of your penis equal a blow-job? Would grazing your anus with a tongue during a blow-job equal a rim-job? I think not. So unless you’re really focusing your attention on the nipples for a solid 10 minutes, it doesn’t count as nipple play.

That being said: Here are five tips for bringing them to orgasm through nipple stimulation.

1. Get them ready to play-kiss them deeply, touch their body, whisper in their ear.

2. Spend time lick and massaging the entire breast, without touching their nipples.

3. Lap their nipples and all around the areola with a flat, soft, wet tongue.

4. Use the thumb and fore-finger to lift the nipple off the breast, and flick and suck the nipples alternately.

Keep going…. invest the time, keep licking and sucking the nipples to bring them to orgasm.

If your nipples, or your partners nipples aren’t as sensitive as you would like. Nipple clamps can be a great tool to create sensitivity. We reviewed the feather nipple clamps on Playboy Radio, and it got rave reviews! The sexy black feather tickler can be used all over the body to tickle and tease, and the adjustable clamps accommodate most all sizes of nipples! The tension can also be adjustable providing as little or as much pinch as you desire.

Click on the video below and hear what our panelists had to say.

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Episode 8 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Talk Dirty to me

We’ve heard that men are more visually stimulated and women are more audibly stimulated. B what the studies really represent is the encompassing of all the senses for women to be truly turned on. While the actual physicality of the act of sex can stimulate the male brain, women require an emotional component to the visual. I’m not saying they have to see a romantic story per se, but that generally there needs to be a story attached to the act, thus creating an emotional piece to the scene.

So what does this have to do with talking dirty?

What you say is as important as how you say it. Whether you’re telling your girl she’s a dirty slut, or that she’s a goddess who deserves to be worshipped, you’re creating a feeling. Telling a story before, during, or after your hot sex session isn’t rocket science, but it’s definitely an art.

So how does your partner want to be talked to? What kind of sounds and words do they respond well to? And what words DON’T work for them? Have they told you how sexy you sound when you’re cumming? This is a good indication that they like hearing you. If you’re not sure if they’ll respond well to dirty talk, try whispering in their ear a few light and sexy phrases.

“You feel so good…”

“If you keep doing that, you’re going to make me cum.”

If they give you a a vocal response of any kind, they are probably open or at least intrigued by your words. This is a great way to test the waters before cannonballing in. After you’ve finished your session, talk about it. Ask them if they liked it when you talked in their ear. Ask them if they’d like you to talk more. Ask them what kind of things they’d like to hear. For example, many of our female panel wasn't turned on by the words penis and vagina. So saying, "I want to lick your vagina" may not get the juices flowing. Similarly, "Suck my penis" didn't make any top five lists either... in case you felt compelled to use the anatomical words for your sex bits. Some women would be be turned on by being called a "whore," while others would get up a leave. So find out their YES! words, as well as the ones that dry up the well, or shrivel the boys. Otherwise, tread lightly.

Once you get the green light, see where your dirty dialogue takes you! Will it be descriptive? Intructional? Or used for playing out fantasy scenarios? Will you tell them how you can wait to make love to them, or what they will be wearing when you get home from work, and what you will do to them if they are not obedient, or will you be the head master at an all girl's Catholic School who's just found out she has been smoking in the bathroom? The possibilities are endless when it comes to the magic that can spew from your lips. Let it flow, get creative, be frisky, be playful, and bask in the magic of your sexual lyrics.

New to Dirty Talk and need some tips? Here are some expert tips from former Phone Sex Operator and Sex Educator Ashley Manta!

1. Use someone else’s words… read straight from some erotica.

2. Practice out loud while you’re alone driving in the car, or while you masturbate. (bonus: it makes masturbation hotter too!)

3. Dirty Madlibs! You can fill in the blanks to create some super sexy and orgasm inducing statements. Dowload her free e-book here to get more tips to mind-blowing dirty talk.

Long Distance lovers? Start their day off with a naughty text and keep the fun going all day long. Arrange a day and time when you can both stay focused on your phone frolic! You'll be surprised how much the written word can keep people connected who are challenged by distance. Hone your skills via text and recorded voice memos and see how practice makes perfect when your expert prose finally has the chance to be spoken in person.

Listen to our full show Episode 7 on Playboy Radio, including some suggestions of talking dirty from our listeners, our panel, and the interview with Ashley Manta!

Married people-single sex! Have sex like you're single again!

It happens... that point in a relationship where watching a TV show, or even sleeping, is suddenly more exciting that the prospect of sex with your partner. It's not that you don't love them anymore, or that you're not sexually attracted to them anymore (well, most of the time). So why is it so much work to muster up the energy to actually start the ball rolling...?

Let's back track for just a second and clarify. I'm referring to relatively happy couples in monogamous relationships, who do still care for one another...

So, what's a guy or gal to do when the desire and passion starts to fade?

Let's first discuss why the passion starts to fade and take it from there...

There are several reasons why people lose the sexual energy they once had with their long-term or lifelong partner. Let's be real... we've tapped that before.. we already know what we're getting... we've already been there, done that...

Reason 1. There's no element of surprise and spontaneity anymore for many couples. In other words, we're bored. Solution: Plan a romantic night out for your lover! Shop for sexy lingerie, or bring home a new sex toy! Create new moments of sexy experiences to keep the fire burning!

Then there's the actual time it takes to have sex. Many parents are already exhausted from work and caring for the kids. That generally leaves evening for any possibility of sex. But they don't have a place to have sex, because their kids are still awake. When the kids are finally asleep, they don't have the energy. (this is assuming, of course, that one or both partners isn't bothered by, and is capable of completing the task, knowing that their kids might hear them)

Reason 2. Lack of time and/or availability of location for sex. Solution: Make date night a priority! Plan time to spend together, if you have the money, get a hotel room, or drop the kids off at the in-laws and make sexual reconnection an important part of your life!

Now let's consider the hormones necessary for the libido to function properly.

Testosterone has been widely recognized as the hormone that creates sex drive; however, we should differentiate between sex drive and sexual desire. One can have sexual desire without much sex drive. This can happen in the case of erectile dysfunction, whereas the man is lacking the ability to create and sustain an erection, but is still interested in sex. Then there's the case of those who might experience a lack of sexual interest, not a lack of sex drive.... this can happen a lot with both sexes.

Reason 3. Lack of sex drive due to decreased testosterone. Solution: Do everything you can to physically and mentally stay interested in sex.

When you're dating it's simple. In a recent study, it was determined that when two people meet and experience mutual attraction, their testosterone levels spike! If only one person felt an attraction, and the other did not; however, there was no elevation in the levels of testosterone. So simply put, when there was a probability of sex, the body responded favorably to make this happen.

Let's face it, lower levels of testosterone can completely kill a sexual relationship, so understanding the physiology of sex certainly can't hurt. As with our overall health, a healthy diet and exercise is crucial in regulating and maintaining our hormone levels. Anti-depressants and birth control are known to decrease desire, but are part of many American couples lives, so make sure you combat these medications by staying healthy. Stress can cause a huge strain on relationships and sexual desire, do whatever you can to keep the stress levels down.

But there are times of the month, as well as in life, when women's testosterone levels increase. (Yay for the guys who are married to them!) Just before ovulation (which would be when she is most fertile) testosterone is prevalent, but as her ovulation cycle comes to an end, estrogen levels drop resulting in less lubrication. (not fun) So guys: If you'd like to increase your chances of getting laid, hit your wife up between the 24th day of her menstrual cycle, and the 14th day of her next month's cycle. Show her that you still think she's a hot piece of ass (i.e.:send those mating hormones into hyperdrive), and don't give her all the same moves. Send her sexy messages throughout the day (be cautious with your chosen words, she may not like porn chatter during kid hours), touch her in ways that are non-sexual, compliment her, look her in the eyes, make her laugh. Change it up, make an effort, make her feel desired, and let the fun begin.

Ladies, if your man is seemingly less interested in sex, consider the changes his body might be experiencing. As men age, they too have a decrease in testosterone. They may be less interested in sex, loose head and body hair, feel tired even though they get enough sleep, have trouble staying focused, loose muscle mass, gain more body fat, all of which can also make daddy feel not so sexy... How can you help?! Boost his ego with sexy text messages, pictures, and mental stimulation throughout his day. Tell him things that you know will drive him crazy. Let him know you're thinking about sex! Men are very visual creatures, paint a picture for him of what lies ahead... and give detailed descriptions.

Then there's the not so easy part to explain, the part that requires more than just a bucket of sex toys, a babysitter, and a bottle of wine. Resentments, infidelity, emotional needs that are not being met...

Reason 4. You have issues.... Solution: see a couples counselor. Your relationship was worth it at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now... and if it's not worth salvaging, you'll be having single sex soon enough anyway.

Sex Fitness! Why you should, and shouldn't do your Kegels....

For years we've heard that kegels are important for women pre and post-natal, and for better sex... but recently I've been hearing reasons that we shouldn't. What's the deal?

Yes, our pelvic floor is compromised for a myriad of reasons. Most commonly, pregnancy and childbirth; however, even chronic coughing can weaken our pelvic floor. So whether you're young, old, been pregnant, delivered vaginally or by C-section, are male or female, we are all in need of pelvic floor strengthening exercises.

For women: we are at risk as we age, and our pelvic floor muscles weaken, of a collapse.... AVALANCHE!!! Ha ha, no, but seriously (guys, cover your ear and eyes, it's a bit too graphic for your visual minds) your urethra and uterus could literally hang outside of your vagina!! If that's not reason enough to strengthen your pelvic floor, I don't know what is.... and I have heard from Emergency Room Nurse clients of mine that they have in fact seen this. Then there's the problem of peeing while you laugh or sneeze... yeah, not so fun either.

This would be the WHY WE SHOULD do our kegels.

So what's a gal to do, if kegels aren't the answer? The problem doesn't seem to be that kegels are bad for you, but that people work their kegels incorrectly. So let's understand the pelvic floor first and take it from there. The pelvic floor is a system of muscles (not just your pubococcygeus muscle, AKA: PC muscle) that support your internal organs. The PC muscle goes around the opening of the urethra, the vagina, as well as the anus, which for men, is where the prostate is located (and where ejaculate originates from). So it makes sense that we want to strengthen THAT muscle. But how many women really get consistent exercise at the gym, let alone specifically working out their kegels?

Thankfully there are several products available to help women do their kegels without having to remember to do them. Kegel balls, eggs, and exercisers are designed to provide resistance, so that whether you're thinking about it or not, you'll be working the PC muscle. If you don't know whether or not you're squeezing your PC muscle, you can locate it by stopping the stream of urine. (But don't do this as a method of exercise, just to locate the muscle!) You can also insert a finger, or have your partner insert his penis and squeeze, and you'll be able to feel the compression, indicating that you're in the right place! Many of us also solicit the help from our larger muscle groups, ie: the sphincter, taking away the focus on the actual PC muscle itself, so make sure you isolate the muscle while doing reps. You can isolate this more by tilting your pelvis forward, by sitting forward in your chair for example... are we all doing our kegels now?! But what about the other muscles?

According to the Restorative Exercise Institute, the alignment of your pelvis is what is the most important for supporting the pelvic floor.

Katy Bowman, the creator of the program, is a huge advocate of squatting for optimum support of the pelvic floor. In her opinion, doing a bunch of kegels isn't what creates strength in the pelvic floor, but rather the overall support of the muscles responsible for stabilizing the pelvis. In an interview on BreakingMuscle.com she suggests a balanced, aligned pelvis from the natural musculature created in a squat, versus the single action exercise of the kegel, which can pull at the sacrum.

This is the "WHY WE SHOULD NOT DO OUR KEGELS"...

In an interview with Mama Sweat, she states, "..the life-long habit of squatting is what prevented the PF (pelvic floor) from being damaged in the first place. The balance between the perfect amount of glute contraction and the perfect amount of PF tone give you what you want. Good pelvic (and abdominal) organ support." In other words, strong muscles to stabilize and support the pelvic floor is what we're going for.

Whether to kegel or not to kegel, is up to you. I see value in each point of view, and recommend that you discuss any pelvic floor concerns or issues with your health care provide to make sure you're not making any matters worse.

The muscles of your core are also important in keeping the pelvic floor lifted. Your transversus abdominis is the deepest of your core muscles and provides support to stabilize the pelvic floor. Doing situps will not isolate the TA muscle. If you've never tried working it out solo, give this a try! Mutusystem defines how to engage your TA muscles in a way that is easy to understand and thorough!

For men: Your PC muscles can also weaken, creating urinary incontinence, not fun... Conditioning your pelvic floor has also be known to intensify orgasm and increase performance... YAY! You'll work your muscles in the same way as the ladies, but you may also notice a squeeze in the sphincter. For some detailed info on how and why you should work your kegels, check out this video from WebMD! (I've also heard that placing a washcloth, dry, or wet for more resistance, and lifting it with your erect penis, can help strengthen the muscle... If I had a penis, I'd do that just for the fun of it!)

And guys, I also found this baby online, if you'd like to add some resistance to your workout, without requiring an erection. There's a product called the Kegel Pad that might be a fun addition to doing your daily emails! This product was designed to add an extra level of intensity to your squeezing. By sitting on the pad at your perineum, you'll compress it as you squeeze your PC muscle!

Bottom line: there is no substitute for a healthy body when it comes to great sex! Make sure you've got the stamina, strength, and endurance to take on all kinds of positions and experiences. Eat well, exercise, sleep, and indulge occasionally on whatever it is that relaxes you, alleviates stress, and brings you back to your body. Be aware and present with your lover, and the rest will take care of itself.

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Sex Fitness, Episode 2 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Sensual Vs Sexual Touch... and is touching flirting?

I was appalled when I looked up the definition for sensual. I agree with the definition that it is something that “relates to or affects the senses or sensory organs,” but was shocked to see the second listing on my google search… lacking in moral restraints, lewd, or unchaste? WTF?! I can see where a religious entity or morally rigid person could contort the meaning of the word to apply it to their teachings and/or way of life. But to have the word sen>su>al tossed into a pile of “bad” words in an actual online reference is simply ludicrous. Give synonyms?! Say it “suggests” something that could be brought on by something lacking in moral restraints, but to say the DEFINITION of sensual is lewd??!! C’mon…

The definition of sexual contact accroding to the free dictionary, is as what I expected. Concise, explicit, and straightforward. "The touching of ... any other person's intimate parts, or the intentional touching of the clothing covering the immediate area of the other person's intimate parts"

So how do these two concepts get confused?

The word sensual gets lumped in with sex all too often, when in actuality, both are able to exist without the other. One can have a sensual experience without involving sex, just as one can have sex without it being sensual. Great sex generally involves more than penetration. When lovers can connect with their senses and be aware of their physical, mental, and emotional self during sex, the results can be… well, explosive.

Let’s just talk about one of our senses-TOUCH. It seems these days that many of us are disconnected with our physical self. We are afraid to make contact with ourselves, or each other. We neglect one of the most vital needs we have as human beings, the need to be touched. There have been studies which concluded that babies who didn’t get enough physical contact were more likely to die. There was ample nutrition, shelter, and care, but deprived of human touch, they withered away. Today in nurseries around the world, babies in the NICU are allotted “touch time,” to ensure they are getting their daily dose of affection.

When was the last time you touched your partner outside of the bedroom? Do you even caress and squeeze and hold them IN the bedroom? Perhaps you hold their hand or pat their ass, but do you hold their face? Kiss their shoulder? Caress their back? When was the last time you touched them for the sake of being sensual? Not sexual…not with any intention of having actual sex…but simply because it felt good to touch them?

Do you touch strangers? I do it all the time, I meet people in the AcroYoga community who fly me on their feet, and hold my hands, and touch my shoulders, among other areas... It is a warm, connective way to exercise, gain balance, stretch, get strong, and build friendships.

Does this make me a flirt?

I opened my inbox one day to find an email that boasted “The Art of Flirting,” I was surprised to see the following:

1. Eye contact

2. Smiling

3. Laughing at jokes

4. Using their name in conversation

5. Touching them while talking to them.

Based on these five bullet points, I flirt with everyone I ever come into contact with!! GUILTY! But what shocked me about this list, was that THIS is what is considered flirting in our society? What happened to actual words? Context? The suggestion of romance or sex… don’t these things count? Isn’t the purpose of “flirting” to express sexual availability and interest? Are we so deprived for human connection that engaging in any type of connected interaction is considered a flirtation? I assure you that I am an educated, confident woman, who IF I were sexually available or interested in you, would be quite capable of clearly relaying that message to you. I hope that more people will blur these imposed lines (who created them anyway?!) with me. I choose NOT to live in a world where men need to be seduced into a financial arrangement with women, where women are not property to be possessed. I CHOOSE to live in a world, where men and women can be intimate friends, and then communicate their needs and desires if they crave more.

I am saddened for our future if basic human behaviors aren’t safe from assumption and insinuation. I hope that more people will continue to simply laugh, smile, call me by name, and look me in the eye, while touching me in appropriate ways…

To hear more about AcroYoga and how it encourages safe touch, listen to my AcroYoga partner Tari Mannello and I discuss it on my show Play with Me, on Playboy Radio!