The Problem with Romantic Love...

I know, I know... bah humbug, happy fucking Valentine's Day, right? But hear me out...

A friend and I were discussing the problem with romantic love the other day, and I felt like I sounded as though I don't believe in love, or like the feeling of being in-love, and let me just clarify now by saying that's just not true. Who doesn't enjoy the rush of adrenaline (and hormones, yes) when you receive an attentive message or phone call from someone who has become the object of your obsession? Who doesn't appreciate how easy it is to fall in-love with someone you barely know? When all your love depends on, is the other person showing up and being remotely interesting, and showering you with attention. But married couples and those in long-term relationships will agree, that those kind of feelings generally don't sustain themselves. And I don't mean to insinuate that couples who have been together for years don't get butterflies when they see each other, and aren't capable of having hot sexy nights of passion reminiscent of the days when they first began dating. What I am saying is that I don't recommend building relationships based on simply "romantic love."

Romantic Love by definition is risky, volatile, dramatic, possessive, conditional, and one-sided. Wikipedia has a pretty great handle on it... check out general definition #2: The addition of drama to relationships of close, deep and strong love.

Let's look at how "romantic relationships" usually start...

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They start the process of getting to know each other...

which usually turns into kissing...

which many times leads to sex...

which is fun for awhile...

But then suddenly they start to get to know each other for who they really are...

They become less sexually appealing,

or perhaps less sexually aggressive.

One person needs exclusivity at some point,

which is okay at first...

until someone else comes along that is exciting,

and the one who is "excited" doesn't know how to manage their feelings,

and manange the expectations of the other partner.

What they generally assume, is that they have simply fallen out of love.

One partner may start to feel like the feelings aren't equally intense,

but they chalk it up to having come out of the "honeymoon stage."

Neither partner communicates their feelings to the other for fear of hurting the other...

because they "love them," afterall....

And so it goes for a bit, until they do end up hurting each other through non-communication, cheating, or unintentionally withdrawing their "love" and affection from their partner.

I don't need the drama, thanks... I prefer mutual respectful, compassionate, and considerate love.

What would that look like?

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They begin the process of getting to know each other..

which generally leads to kissing,

but now they start to share their needs and expectations.

If they decide to have sex, how will their intimacy affect their relationship?

Does one or both partners need exclusivity to continue? Or can they have sex casually?

Let's say they have a non-exclusive friendship for awhile, along with casual sex...

and one or both partners begins to develop deeper feelings...

which can happen...

So they talk about what those feelings mean, and how they affect the previous agreement they established.

Does one or both partners want to become "romantically" attached?

Do they want kids?

Do they want to be married? (and yes, the conversation can go in that order)

Or maybe they don't need their love to turn into responsibility for the other....

Do they feel okay to "love" each other without having emotional and physical rights to the other?

Can they be mutually respectful and affectionate without "gaining anything" from the other?

Can they be friends forever, whether or not they continue to have sex?

Both scenarios may start similarly, but they evolve into very different human connections. You often hear the term "falling" in-love in respect to romance. Romantic Love is controlled by just one person. They "court" the other, creating feelings of dependency and infatuation with how the other makes them feel. They make the object of their affection seem like they are the center of their universe. Both partners at times even feel empty and lonely while they are in-love. They are "love-sick," when they are not together, feel "heartaches" when something doesn't feel right. They would "die without the affections of their love." And just as easily as they "fell in-love", they can withdraw their intense feelings, leaving the other feeling empty, desperate and helpless. Which is exactly what they are... they can't control the feelings or actions of the other.

Ugh... not for me thanks...I don't want to ride that emotional roller coaster, or be the center of someone's universe, and be responsible for their happiness. That is not to say that I am unwilling to be mindful, considerate, and even make compromises for someone I love.

In the second example both persons make conscious, self-aware decisions to choose to love the other person. It doesn't thrive on only the intense sense of passion and adoration of one person, and can't be destroyed by just one of them either. They have seen each other for who they are, and most likely have been overwhelmed with love by qualities of that person. Their feelings are rooted to something of substance, something that can be sustained, and grown, and cannot be simply taken away at a moments notice.

This kind of love is truly unconditional. It doesn't depend on whether or not two people are friends, lovers, husband and wife, or rarely see each other. This kind of humanity is something that we are all capable of, and in my opinion, should be what is valued, celebrated, and practiced.