Monday, September 29, 2014

Would you have a threesome to save your marriage?

Okay, maybe not “save your marriage,” obviously I was going for the shock factor in the tagline. Clearly if you feel like you’d have to have a threesome to “save” your marriage, it’s probably in need of more than sexual variety. But would you be willing to invite another person into your sex life to spice up your long term otherwise monogamous relationship?

I know it sounds extreme, but hear me out. The odds are simply not in your favor when it comes to true lifelong sexual monogamy with your partner. Even the people who sign up for traditionally monogamous relationships are doomed to some kind of affair or infidelity to affect their partnership. It is estimated that up to 80% of marriages will be affected by an indiscretion by one partner or the other… whether it is actually discovered or not, of course, is the question. When asked if people would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught, 84% of men said YES along with 68% of women. These are big numbers people!!

The good news is that when an infidelity is discovered, that 30% of marriages affected by the affair would work through it. So clearly, for a majority of people, sexual non-monogamy is ultimately acceptable. So why not communicate this desire with your partner before the lying, cheating, and drama unfold?

Consider discussing your boundaries more clearly before you commit to lifelong sexual monogamy. What wouldn’t be acceptable to you? Would you be okay if your partner had an affair on a work trip as long as you didn’t know about it? Would you be into watching your partner with another person? Would you be okay if they simply flirted and sexted online, but didn’t ever physically connect with the person? These are valid questions! Especially when a huge majority of men don’t consider online flirtations cheating….?! what?…really.

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what is right for your relationship. If sex isn’t important to you, you may not feel the need to explore this concept further… but what if sex is important to your partner? Open the dialogue to discuss specifics. Then check in every year, or every 5 to 10 years if that’s more appropriate for your relationship.

Do you value honesty and communication? Do you value self-respect? These are things that should be clearly discussed. Many times people who discover an affair aren’t necessarily bothered by the sex, but by the opinion of others, should they find out. Would it devastate you to feel as though people knew you were disrespected by your partner? Would you be able to trust your partner again, after they had gone to great lengths to lie to you, or hide something from you for so long? 30% of affairs last an average of two years…. just saying…

Consider alternative forms of monogamy. We clearly understand the term sexual monogamy-having sex with only one person. But what about Social Monogamy? Serial Monogamy? Emotional Monogamy? These are actual terms and can be useful tools when navigating this conversation.

Social Monogamy-two people living together, having sex with one another, and basically forming a union to provide food, shelter, and comforts to each other. This is a great term for many American Marriages.

Serial Monogamy-the practice of exclusively having a relationship with one person, emotionally and sexually, until that relationship no longer benefits one or both. At which point one or both persons would create a similar relationship with the next compatible partner. Another great term for American marriages, given the divorce rate.

Emotional Monogamy-the intimate sharing of life with only one person. This term is used among Swingers and Polyamorist couples to ultimately highlight the differences between the two. Swingers generally are sexually non-monogamous and emotionally monogamous. Polys are know for being both sexually and emotionally non-monogamous, creating intimate bonds with multiple partners.

Did you even realize that all these detailed definitions of “marriage” existed? If you or your partner are in need of sexual or emotional attention outside of your marriage, it may be a conversation you might want to have. Many women, men, and couples have asked me for advice to get their partners to either pay more attention to them, or get them to enjoy sex more, or have sex more often. In other words, there’s a lack in these relationships! And my circle of influence is pretty small in comparison to the country, or the world.

Talk to each other. Understand that each of you has needs and desires that should be honored, celebrated, and hopefully met. Discuss boundaries, deal breakers, and personal limitations so that you can make decisions together about what you both want and need from your marriage. If you can’t even begin the conversation with your partner, consider couples therapy.

Thank you to Dr Samantha Rodman for her input and expert advice on my show “Have sex like you’re single again!” For married couples who want to spice things up in the bedroom.

And Kate Loree, LMFT who specializes in couples who are in the Swinging, Poly, Gay, Lesian, Porn, or other form of alternative lifestyles.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Play With Me Review-The taco stroker by the Screaming O (AKA Paco's Taco)

All masturbator sleeves are not made alike. This silicone stroker is flat and floppy when not in use, but can be folded and wrapped up to create a tasty meat taco! Simply apply the hot sauce packet (lubricant) that's included, and watch the evening heat up.

The great thing about this sleeve versus other masturbators is the ability to use it interchangeably with your own hand or hands. Unlike sleeves that fully encompass the penis, this stroker leaves open space whenever and wherever you need it. It also is less rigid than many sleeves, making it more pliable and receptive to the natural movement of his, or your hand. The fact that you can still maintain a visual on his penis as it's being stroked is also a huge bonus!

But don't take my word for it, here's what our panel of testers had to say!

PartyGalsbyAmandaHillsdale.com said,"I like the texture of it, little ribbed sensation on it, accommodating for all different sizes. You don't have to be certain size. It's not going to have a pinch factor, it's a really excellent product."

SimplyPerfectToys.com said,"I discovered that it wasn't the stroke up toward the head, but rather the stroke downward that really did it for him. It was a completely different sensation, I felt like I had more control over what was happening. Thumbs up!!"

AdultToypartiesbyJen.com said,"It's like a piece of bologna! Ok, Time to spank your bologna... ha ha! It's a good tool for someone who is too small for a stroker (sleeve) or too big"

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Episode 4 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Have you wanked it today?! Increase your odds by making your solo practice a team sport!

Ah the myriad of words and phrases used to describe masturbation... Apparently there are quite a few ways of delicately (and not so delicately) explaining the way you "beat your meat." Mantality.com came up with 519!! ...And since we all seem to be doing it, why is it strange to talk about it. That's right, according to several sources, including the Kinsey Report, about 80-95% of us have at least tried it.

So why is it that men generally keep "jerking off," once they've discovered it, and women seem to get disinterested in "clicking the mouse?" Of course we all know that good girls aren't supposed to actually like sex. We're not supposed to look at, touch, or otherwise find pleasure in our lady parts... and guys, didn't you know that spanking the monkey can lead to blindness, a body riddled with disease, and a "mind in ruins?"

C'mon people, that's so 1800's!! Even our Victorian sisters knew how to have a good time. Even if they had to be considered "hysterical" to receive "treatment," they were still getting their issue! Now, thanks to technology and the amazing people who design, mass produce, and distribute products we can use in the privacy and comfort of our own homes, we can get-off anytime we like, but yet, we don't seem to be living up to our full potential.

Thanks to Mona Chalabi and FiveThirtyEight.com we have a visual of what our masturbation habits look like on a chart.

According to a study done in 2009 by the National Study of Sexual Health and Behavior from Indiana University, we really don’t masturbate that often. While almost 80% of people have masturbated at some point in their lives, around 30% of women haven’t masturbated in the last year. And 20% of men say the same. The study suggests that less than 10% of women in their 30's and 40's masturbate 2-3 times per week... uh, seriously?

Let's consider masturbation a team sport. Forget it as a solo activity for now, even though that's part of the appeal, and grab a teammate for some mutual masturbatory fun! If we don't view masturbation as a negative thing, I believe we just might take control of the joystick more often.

Men, does your girl think that when you masturbate that you're cheating on her? I have heard this a few times from women. They think that if they're laying in bed and he's using his hand instead of her vagina, that something's wrong with him... First of all, from an occasionally tired mom perspective (and those perpetually tired new moms), I just want to say thanks to all those men who take their pleasure into their own hands! Pun absolutely intended. I think it's wonderful that when you need a little stress relief, or a natural sleeping pill that you take a few minutes to hit the highlight reel and get it done. Let's face it, sex for two takes a little longer and is more energy depleting than sex for one. If you're one of "those" gals who thinks he's cheating when you hear the squish of lotion next to you at night, try coming from a place of gratitude instead. He doesn't need you to scratch him every time he has an itch.... Just saying.

Women, would your man be devastated if he caught you using your huge dildo or jack rabbit vibrator? Guys, please don't feel like you're being replaced. If she has a 13" dong in her bedside drawer, it doesn't mean she's unhappy with your 5-6" average penis. It means, she knows she likes something different every now and then, and you should be thrilled that 13 inches isn't attached to a human. And as for the Jack Rabbit vibe that has a rabbit clitoral stimulator and a spinning shaft complete with massaging ball bearings... ummm, if your penis can do that, please private message me, I'd like to be your agent. Guys, consider this instead... your girl actually likes sex?! You should celebrate the fact that she doesn't have any hang-ups about her body and her orgasms, and feel honored that she chose you to be intimate with.

So how do these solo players um, come together? Try masturbating together for a change! Here are a few suggestions to include your lover (or a random stranger) for your next stroking or paddling session:

1. Have a meeting in-person. Sit within close proximity, or even touch each other during your normal method of masturbation. Use your hands, toys, and any other accessories that finish the job for you.

2. Make it a movie night. Find out what kind of porn your lover likes and put it on the big screen! (I recommend having your favorite drama or comedy and a bowl of popcorn for afterward, the average viewing time for hotel porn is only 12 minutes!!)

3. Skype or text session. This is perfect for those who might have performance anxiety about their solo practice. You can snap, shoot, and send pics in different stages of your arousal (and completion) or just do it all live on Skype or FaceTime.

4. Tell them after the fact. Simply sharing your masturbation session in sexy explicit detail will make them feel included. Communicating that you gave yourself pleasure, especially if it included fantasizing about your partner, will be such a huge turn-on, but it also initiates conversations about expectations and boundaries for your relationship.

CUE THEME SONG:

Open and honest communication is always key when it comes to building good relationships, romantic, sexual or otherwise. Share your desires and needs with your partner, listen to theirs, and always find new ways to play with each other.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Celebrity Nude photos leaked-scandal or a sign of things to er, come?

By now you must've heard about (and tried looking for) nude photos of celebrities like Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence that were leaked onto the internet. Apparently the FBI is getting involved as this invasion of privacy affects more than just the victims of the hacking, but it affects the security and privacy of us all. After all, if the elite and wealthy aren't safe, who is...? Or perhaps that's exactly why they're not safe? Being in the limelight certainly makes people into targets in our reality-obsessed, voyeuristic society.

But the media response to the situation is what has caused me to blog. The question being raised is, who is to blame, victims or hackers? And then there's the judgements surrounding these women (although there are penis pics too, yes, I've actually seen them)...

Let's start with the question about who is to blame. Is it the celebrity female's FAULT for taking graphic nude photos (or allowing themselves to be photographed, they are not all selfies), knowing that they could POTENTIALLY be exposed? I personally don't think they should be blamed, but I definitely understand the risks myself when I shoot ahem, "personal" pics ... does that mean I deserve to have private photos plastered all over the internet should they be accidentally sent to the wrong person (almost happened..), or somehow obtained by hackers...? Or should what I choose to do with my body and my intimate life be protected from the eyes of everyone else in the world that doesn't have my permission to see them?!! Such a tough concept I know, but I'm leaning more toward the latter. Whether you think these women are being inappropriate by taking *gasp* naked photos or not, does it really mean that they deserve the potential shame and embarrassment from them being shared with the world?

Here comes the judgment... I'll repeat, "Shame and embarrassment..."

Should they not have taken these photos in the first place? I'm sure many men and women (okay maybe mostly women) would say that they would never have these kind of pictures in their phone. Unfortunately sex and nudity are both synonymous with lewd in our culture... It's a fact that saddens me daily. What adult people choose (there's that word again) to do with their bodies and consensually share with another person or persons, shouldn't not only be acceptable, it should be celebrated. Not shamed, not judged, not ridiculed (aka bullying), but rather, our freedom to choose what to do and share should be honored and respected.

Thanks to arguments on both sides of the debate on the threads of JustJared.com and huffingtonpost.com, I have been thoroughly entertained.

Does knowing that our privacy isn't safe make you less inclined to snap that sexy selfie? Or does the fact that yes, you're not the only one doing it, make you feel more empowered to point and shoot? Will this security breach change the way we sext in the future? I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)