Sunday, October 24, 2010

Am I a Cougar?!

There's been a lot of hype surrounding "cougars" in the past few years, Demi Moore has Ashton Kutcher, Courtney Cox had David Arquette, and there are websites popping up so that younger men and cougars can find each other. It seems as though it is almost a new trend to be a cougar, even though women (and men) have been "robbing the cradle" for years.

While I am halfway through my 30's, I am hardly an older woman. I was recently at a bar dancing with some friends and young guys who were celebrating one of their birthdays, and I was asked by another guy who was watching us why I was dancing with someone who was clearly much younger than me.

I was taken aback for a moment that this guy was essentially offending me by calling me old, and then got annoyed that he was kind of calling me a "cougar!" My girlfriend heard the exchange of words, and defended him saying, "He just wanted to dance with you himself." So, his way of asking me to dance was to offend me. Nice.

I don't often dish out pick-up advice or single person bar etiquette, but I feel like the guys who are out at these bars are missing something.

To the single guy at the bar:
-I am a married woman who is out dancing at a bar.
-I am wearing my wedding ring, and will admit to being married if asked.
-I enjoy dancing A LOT.
-I do not like being groped while dancing, but do enjoy grooving or even "freaking" with you if vibe is right.
-I generally will gravitate toward a dance partner who is having fun, and is not concerned if they appear to be dorky.... these guys tend to be YOUNGER.
-Don't expect to get my number, since I am not looking to date or have an affair.
-Don't be upset when you ask for my number and I tell you I am married. I wasn't hiding anything from you the last hour we were dancing.

That being said, I must acknowledge that there is another party to address. The actual cougars themselves. Yes guys, there are married women out there who do want to take you home, maybe go on a date, and perhaps even participate in an affair. This comes from a lack of passion in their life, not just their marriage, and they are looking for you to fill the empty void that has now become their reality. Be gentle with them.

To the Cougars:
-The young men will scope out the bars for the hot young chicks first, then as the clock ticks and the booze flows, they will be drawn to your deeper sense of self confidence and willingness to enjoy yourself without fear of what others think.
-Don't drink too much, beer goggles go both ways!
-Don't shit where you sleep. Most likely you are in a bar where someone might actually know you or your husband. Be respectful of appearances to some degree. You can save all the inappropriate touching for later.
-Don't fall in-love. You're picking up a band-aid, not a replacement part. This guy will never fill your husband's shoes so don't expect him to.
-Understand the difference between sex and love.

This is a tough one since most likely you haven't had much of either in your life lately. Love is respectful, considerate, kind, and UNCONDITIONAL. Love knows who you are at puking from the stomach flu, and what's underneath the make-up and hair during your best moments. Love can understand that you have a need to feel beautiful, desirable and full of life. Which brings me to me next rant.

To the one who is left at home:
-If you are shocked by this advice, get over it.
-Your wife (or husband) was once young and appealing to the opposite sex.
-Sometimes, all that is needed is to be seen, to be acknowledged by someone other than you. We all have an ego, and we all have the need for attention, be it shallow or not.
-Don't think you can be the center of someone else's universe and then be shocked when it implodes.
-Try to give your partner the freedom to be sexy. You might be surprised and find that the more freedom you give them, the less inclined they are to use it.

Some men won't allow their wives out dancing with their girlfriends thinking that they might be tempted to stray from their marriage. Personally I find this rather condescending. I am not a child, and I am in control of what I do with my body.

I am equally saddened to hear women say they don't allow their husbands to go to a strip club or attend a Vegas bachelor party for the same reason.

Define the boundaries in your relationships, and trust that your partner is capable of keeping their promise to you. Infidelity happens, but the chances increase if one or the other feel trapped in their relationship. Keep an open line of communication and expect the best of each other.


Speclk said...

I think the definition of a cougar to most people is defined by age in realtion to themselves. To a guy in his young 20's a woman in her thirties may be considered a cougar in his eyes. The definition of a cougar to me has always been a woman who obviously looks "older" yet is still very attractive. So to answer your question, I would say NO you are not a cougar. You look as good and even better today than you looked 10 years ago and I think any 19 year old would kill to look as good as you. So in my opinion you probably have another 10-15 years or more to become a "cougar".

Anonymous said...

You by far are not a cougar. You are a Puma in her prime and could have any man, woman or boy you want. You are successful, and beautiful! You travel the country and are well known by more people then most people meet in two life times. I knew you long ago and although you may not remember me, you left an impression on me. Well it was Jr. High. My advice to you, Don't sweat the insignicant. All the guy did that made that comment was confirm the fact that he's a hater.
Much love and all the respect your intitled too...
Thomas Cox

Miyoko said...

ha ha! Good to know I have 10-15 more years to be a cougar! I like your definition as being a woman who is older but still attractive. I think the message we get these days is an older woman on the prowl for a younger man.

And a Puma? May have to write another article for that one! :) Haven't heard that before.