Monday, September 29, 2014

Would you have a threesome to save your marriage?

Okay, maybe not “save your marriage,” obviously I was going for the shock factor in the tagline. Clearly if you feel like you’d have to have a threesome to “save” your marriage, it’s probably in need of more than sexual variety. But would you be willing to invite another person into your sex life to spice up your long term otherwise monogamous relationship?

I know it sounds extreme, but hear me out. The odds are simply not in your favor when it comes to true lifelong sexual monogamy with your partner. Even the people who sign up for traditionally monogamous relationships are doomed to some kind of affair or infidelity to affect their partnership. It is estimated that up to 80% of marriages will be affected by an indiscretion by one partner or the other… whether it is actually discovered or not, of course, is the question. When asked if people would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught, 84% of men said YES along with 68% of women. These are big numbers people!!

The good news is that when an infidelity is discovered, that 30% of marriages affected by the affair would work through it. So clearly, for a majority of people, sexual non-monogamy is ultimately acceptable. So why not communicate this desire with your partner before the lying, cheating, and drama unfold?

Consider discussing your boundaries more clearly before you commit to lifelong sexual monogamy. What wouldn’t be acceptable to you? Would you be okay if your partner had an affair on a work trip as long as you didn’t know about it? Would you be into watching your partner with another person? Would you be okay if they simply flirted and sexted online, but didn’t ever physically connect with the person? These are valid questions! Especially when a huge majority of men don’t consider online flirtations cheating….?! what?…really.

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what is right for your relationship. If sex isn’t important to you, you may not feel the need to explore this concept further… but what if sex is important to your partner? Open the dialogue to discuss specifics. Then check in every year, or every 5 to 10 years if that’s more appropriate for your relationship.

Do you value honesty and communication? Do you value self-respect? These are things that should be clearly discussed. Many times people who discover an affair aren’t necessarily bothered by the sex, but by the opinion of others, should they find out. Would it devastate you to feel as though people knew you were disrespected by your partner? Would you be able to trust your partner again, after they had gone to great lengths to lie to you, or hide something from you for so long? 30% of affairs last an average of two years…. just saying…

Consider alternative forms of monogamy. We clearly understand the term sexual monogamy-having sex with only one person. But what about Social Monogamy? Serial Monogamy? Emotional Monogamy? These are actual terms and can be useful tools when navigating this conversation.

Social Monogamy-two people living together, having sex with one another, and basically forming a union to provide food, shelter, and comforts to each other. This is a great term for many American Marriages.

Serial Monogamy-the practice of exclusively having a relationship with one person, emotionally and sexually, until that relationship no longer benefits one or both. At which point one or both persons would create a similar relationship with the next compatible partner. Another great term for American marriages, given the divorce rate.

Emotional Monogamy-the intimate sharing of life with only one person. This term is used among Swingers and Polyamorist couples to ultimately highlight the differences between the two. Swingers generally are sexually non-monogamous and emotionally monogamous. Polys are know for being both sexually and emotionally non-monogamous, creating intimate bonds with multiple partners.

Did you even realize that all these detailed definitions of “marriage” existed? If you or your partner are in need of sexual or emotional attention outside of your marriage, it may be a conversation you might want to have. Many women, men, and couples have asked me for advice to get their partners to either pay more attention to them, or get them to enjoy sex more, or have sex more often. In other words, there’s a lack in these relationships! And my circle of influence is pretty small in comparison to the country, or the world.

Talk to each other. Understand that each of you has needs and desires that should be honored, celebrated, and hopefully met. Discuss boundaries, deal breakers, and personal limitations so that you can make decisions together about what you both want and need from your marriage. If you can’t even begin the conversation with your partner, consider couples therapy.

Thank you to Dr Samantha Rodman for her input and expert advice on my show “Have sex like you’re single again!” For married couples who want to spice things up in the bedroom.

And Kate Loree, LMFT who specializes in couples who are in the Swinging, Poly, Gay, Lesian, Porn, or other form of alternative lifestyles.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Play With Me Review-The taco stroker by the Screaming O (AKA Paco's Taco)

All masturbator sleeves are not made alike. This silicone stroker is flat and floppy when not in use, but can be folded and wrapped up to create a tasty meat taco! Simply apply the hot sauce packet (lubricant) that's included, and watch the evening heat up.

The great thing about this sleeve versus other masturbators is the ability to use it interchangeably with your own hand or hands. Unlike sleeves that fully encompass the penis, this stroker leaves open space whenever and wherever you need it. It also is less rigid than many sleeves, making it more pliable and receptive to the natural movement of his, or your hand. The fact that you can still maintain a visual on his penis as it's being stroked is also a huge bonus!

But don't take my word for it, here's what our panel of testers had to say! said,"I like the texture of it, little ribbed sensation on it, accommodating for all different sizes. You don't have to be certain size. It's not going to have a pinch factor, it's a really excellent product." said,"I discovered that it wasn't the stroke up toward the head, but rather the stroke downward that really did it for him. It was a completely different sensation, I felt like I had more control over what was happening. Thumbs up!!" said,"It's like a piece of bologna! Ok, Time to spank your bologna... ha ha! It's a good tool for someone who is too small for a stroker (sleeve) or too big"

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Episode 4 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Celebrity Nude photos leaked-scandal or a sign of things to er, come?

By now you must've heard about (and tried looking for) nude photos of celebrities like Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence that were leaked onto the internet. Apparently the FBI is getting involved as this invasion of privacy affects more than just the victims of the hacking, but it affects the security and privacy of us all. After all, if the elite and wealthy aren't safe, who is...? Or perhaps that's exactly why they're not safe? Being in the limelight certainly makes people into targets in our reality-obsessed, voyeuristic society.

But the media response to the situation is what has caused me to blog. The question being raised is, who is to blame, victims or hackers? And then there's the judgements surrounding these women (although there are penis pics too, yes, I've actually seen them)...

Let's start with the question about who is to blame. Is it the celebrity female's FAULT for taking graphic nude photos (or allowing themselves to be photographed, they are not all selfies), knowing that they could POTENTIALLY be exposed? I personally don't think they should be blamed, but I definitely understand the risks myself when I shoot ahem, "personal" pics ... does that mean I deserve to have private photos plastered all over the internet should they be accidentally sent to the wrong person (almost happened..), or somehow obtained by hackers...? Or should what I choose to do with my body and my intimate life be protected from the eyes of everyone else in the world that doesn't have my permission to see them?!! Such a tough concept I know, but I'm leaning more toward the latter. Whether you think these women are being inappropriate by taking *gasp* naked photos or not, does it really mean that they deserve the potential shame and embarrassment from them being shared with the world?

Here comes the judgment... I'll repeat, "Shame and embarrassment..."

Should they not have taken these photos in the first place? I'm sure many men and women (okay maybe mostly women) would say that they would never have these kind of pictures in their phone. Unfortunately sex and nudity are both synonymous with lewd in our culture... It's a fact that saddens me daily. What adult people choose (there's that word again) to do with their bodies and consensually share with another person or persons, shouldn't not only be acceptable, it should be celebrated. Not shamed, not judged, not ridiculed (aka bullying), but rather, our freedom to choose what to do and share should be honored and respected.

Thanks to arguments on both sides of the debate on the threads of and, I have been thoroughly entertained.

Does knowing that our privacy isn't safe make you less inclined to snap that sexy selfie? Or does the fact that yes, you're not the only one doing it, make you feel more empowered to point and shoot? Will this security breach change the way we sext in the future? I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)