Is Porn good for you?

Apparently, I am potentially addicted to porn. Mind you, I don't think I've actually watched a real porn movie in over 5 years...if not more... But by answering a few simple questions in a quiz on Mensfitness.com, I was labeled as, “bordering on being problematic.”

The mere fact that my healthy sex drive would cause me to answer yes to any of these questions shouldn't be a basis for determining whether or not I have a porn addiction. What it does say about our society in general, is that the overall consensus is, PORN IS BAD.

There is so much negative energy surrounding the word "Porn." People are incredibly offended by it, and many people won't admit to actually watching porn, when clearly the statistical data proves that we all do. Yep, men and women... both watch porn.

According to an article by The Huffington Post, 70% of men watch porn (some other sites rate that percentage much higher) along with 30% of women. In fact, 30% of data that is transferred across the internet is PORN. An article from mandatory.com cites that “people are viewing porn, more than Facebook, Twitter, and Hulu combined…” and we know how much y’all like Facebook. Their claims are pretty staggering… “At any second of the day worldwide, nearly 30 million unique visitors are viewing porn.” And yet we still deny we watch it… hmmm. “In 2001, there were around 70,000 adult websites. Today, just 13 years later, they are more than 4.2 million pornographic websites in the U.S. alone. It does not take a math major to figure out that increase is tremendous. Either people are lying about watching porn or people are lying about watching porn.”

So, why are we so afraid to admit that we watch and even “like” porn? We know that visual stimulation produces fantastic results. We know that men are more visually stimulated sexually. Many men say that they use porn as a way to kick-start the session, but usually finish thinking about a personal experience. Sex therapists have recommended porn with a vibrator as a great way to ensure she climaxes, as most women don’t achieve orgasm through straight up intercourse.

I posed the question on my social media, and interviewed people while attending Adultcon at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Here are a few sound bites from people who were more than happy to speak on the subject….

While people at the porn convention were open and communicative, my social media accounts proved how much of a negative stigma is still attached to the word. Women commented in response to my question: “What do you think of when you view porn?” But most men stayed far away from the topic. Men who would normally “like” or comment wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. They did however feel comfortable private messaging me or texting me their thoughts, but didn’t want to have their personal social media accounts show the “activity” that would confirm that they actually watch porn. One man messaged me by saying, “my wife would be horrified if I posted this, but I watch porn and think, ‘I want to do that with my wife.’” This sentiment is beautiful and heart-breaking. This man who, adores his wife, is inspired to find ways to give her pleasure and bring them together as a couple, is shamed by her lack of interest and most likely a negative outlook on sex with her own husband, as well as porn.

**Is porn bad? If this man didn’t have porn, where would he release the sexual energy that his wife won’t share with him? Have an affair perhaps…

If you made it all the way through the soundbites I posted above, you would’ve heard one woman’s opinion that watching porn is considered adultery to her and her husband. They feel that seeing images of other people creates feelings of lust and visual imagery that might be hard to suppress during their love-making. They want to be as “pure of heart” as they possibly can for each other. While she didn’t express an opposition to the existence of porn, she was strongly against porn in their relationship. Religion was the reason cited for their mutual decision to avoid porn, and I respect her choice to maintain her commitment to her faith and her relationship.

If religion is your reason for not supporting porn, this blog might not rub you the right way…. pun intended. How you should feel about porn, gay marriage, anal sex, BDSM lifestyles, and any other “un-natural” sex acts, may have already been decided. While I am lucky to have several religious friends who view sex as a healthy, adventurous, loving way to celebrate their relationships in all kinds of playful ways, I know there are more religious readers who are less open-minded about the topic. To those readers, I hope you continue reading….

It seems like porn is unavoidable these days. You can easily search a term that accidentally gives you pages of porn related materials and websites with an innocent and random word. But is all this access to porn, and the actual content itself good for us?

According to Dr. Judith Reisman, PII or Pornographically Induced Impotence is a growing epidemic. She shares opinions of several doctors and professors who attest that porn can be extremely damaging to libido and emasculating, “castrating men of all ages and races.” They also admit that the percentage of men who suffer from PII is unknown…. She is also, if you didn’t know, one of the prominent anti-Kinsey Institute protestors, who feels that his work has sexually sabotaged our society. I wasn’t able to find links from her article to scientific data supporting these opinions, but they are compelling nonetheless. If you fear that porn might cause you to become impotent, you may also want to worry that masturbation will cause you to go blind. Generally, limiting your exposure to these images will restore your body’s natural response to erotic stimulus. These “cases” of PII ares extreme examples of over-exposure to porn and porn addiction. Most of you, dear readers, will not fall into this category.

Next let’s discuss dopamine… the pleasure reward we receive in the brain. Porn doesn’t just give you warm fuzzy feelings in the genitals. It gives us a dopamine rush, which is why some people can become addicted to porn. Just as we can become addicted to our social media, porn provides endless hours of distractions and new visual experiences to keep the dopamine flowing. Some therapists recommend taking a break from your porn (and/or your social media) occasionally to reset the baseline for your dopamine tolerance. There are several studies being done on the long term effects of these constant dopamine dings. So far I haven’t seen any conclusive studies on long term effects, but the social media and smart phone age is still relatively new. it could take decades for us to actually see any type of biological evolution in correlation to the increase in dopamine for the average human.

Is porn bad for relationships? Couples who watch porn together say they experience a boost in their sex life. They like to “spice up” their intimate relations by adding visual stimulation, or use porn as an instructional video to try new things. Some woman express fears that their partners will be less attracted to them because they are masturbating to images of other women’s bodies. But they might be surprised to hear that men are more inclined to watch the female actresses facial expressions rather than her actual body. They are more turned on by the idea that this woman is enjoying her sexual encounter. It could be argued that social media is bad for relationships. In some of the same surveys that claim that “watching internet porn” ruined 58% of marriages, it also cites that 40% blame extra-marital relationships that began online. Does the internet or porn itself break up the marriage? Or do feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and lack of intimacy create the need for people to meet those needs in other places? Is McDonald’s responsible for making people fat? Or do we all have the capacity to make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies, and take responsibility for how our actions may affect our relationships? Yes, addiction is real… addiction to porn, alcohol, drugs, and a plethora of other things can negatively impact one’s life. They may withdraw from society, prioritize their addiction over family, work, and life itself. ADDICTION is bad, porn….?

There are surveys being done on how viewing porn effects our expectations about sexual partners, and whether or not it discourages interest and commitment to romantic relationships. Again, I haven’t found any links to actual scientific data. What they generally say is that people who watch porn are more likely to have intercourse at an earlier age, have multiple sex partners, be open to the idea of casual sex, have less interest in romantic partnering, and may experience dissatisfaction in long term monogamous relationships. In all my recreational research on sex, and how people have sex, I would say that all of those things apply to a person who isn’t overly exposed to pornography as well. People want sex, they want to feel desired, they want to be naked and copulate with other sexually attractive mates, they want love, they crave affection and attention, and they even want to get married and have kids. I assure you, the business of marriage is in full force. USA Today predicts that there will be 2.208 million weddings in 2015.

So then, is watching other people have sex bad for you? I believe that it's healthy. In other cultures listening to someone have sex, or possibly even seeing others have sex is a natural part of everyday life. Families live in small dwellings. Parents share rooms and sometimes even beds with their offspring. People live in small villages and communities where the hiding of their sex acts isn’t necessary or even plausible to be hidden. Does this make them sexual deviants? I think having a healthy attitude toward sex and sexuality is of tremendous importance. Whether you choose or even promote celibacy, we shouldn't be opposed to the idea of sexual awareness, open communication about sex, and overall sex positivity.

Embracing sex, in all forms, is the best form of sex education. Porn shows people having sex. It doesn’t show people necessarily being intimate, but it also doesn’t hide or romanticize the reality of the act of sex. It doesn’t make excuses for itself, it doesn’t limit the way people orgasm, it represents all types of sexual activity, and all types of sexual stimulus. Porn brings people together by validating desires. Desires that could be considered deviant, or abnormal. By allowing people to experience those desires in a way that is not harming other people, purely experienced by choice (one must click to view, and can opt-out by a simple click at any time), and produced legally with consensual adults (we are not talking about illegal porn in this post), there is fulfillment. Porn can also inspire creativity and teach people how to make love better. Couples can watch porn together and ask each other to do things they see portrayed in the videos. They may even be exposed to things they don't realize they like. Everything from the way a porn actor is kissed, touched, licked, and yes, fucked, can be a new experience for the viewer to discover pleasure within their own relationships. The point and the benefit is that they are communicating their sexual needs and desires.

Is porn good for you? You'll have to decide that on your own or together, but I say that if you aren't bordering addiction and withdrawing from society, a spoonful of porn a day might just keep the divorce away.

To listen to the full episode, "Is PORN good for you?" On Playboy Radio, click here http://bit.ly/PlayWithMeShow

Prehistoric Sex-way more exciting than it sounds.... a review of Sex at Dawn-The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Day Sexuality

Sex at Dawn, The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Day Sexuality had my head spinning for days. I am generally interested in any and all information regarding sex, but this book was more addicting that the Twilight Series and Fifty Shades of Grey combined.

The book questions the "monogamous" nature of human beings, and presents factual data that supports evidence to the contrary. I put "monogamous" into quotations because once you read the book, you realize that we have to start defining the word to a specificity in which we generally don't in American conversations. Monogamy can mean so many things to so many people.

As Christopher Ryan points out, MANY people believe that Penquins are the "perfect" examples of monogamy in the animal kingdom. What those same people probably don't realize is that the penguins' monogamous arrangement only lasts about 11 months, enough time for gestation and to help their young out of the "nest." They are then likely to go out and mate with another partner, and create more offspring. While I know some people who act like penguins, this doesn't seem the "perfect" example our current model of 'til death do us part' is referring to. There is one primate who does practice lifelong monogamy.

The Gibbon... who never leaves the "house", doesn't get to hang out with friends, has very little sex, and oh, not much intelligence... perhaps "monogamy" isn't something to strive for?

Ryan and co-author Cacilda Jetha, both contribute to the book. Although their words are not presented separately, you can see the definitive difference in writing styles. I enjoyed this quality, as it feels like you are listening to their casual conversation.

They do heavily focus on the argument that monogamy is not within our true nature, so if you're against this idea for religious or societal reasons, you may not make it through the first few chapters. If you are hell bent on the idea that we should hold ourselves to an ideal that is nearly impossible according to our biological evolution and are not open minded enough to hear the supporting evidence, then keep the book and your mind closed. I don't say this as a judgement of your choice, I do believe there is value in marriage and monogamy. Consider this more of a precaution. This is serious stuff! It may leave you feeling betrayed by the world, your chosen leaders, and the people around you. Proceed with caution. It is also nice to read that we are not a selfish, aggressive, or murderous people that past studies of human nature like us to believe. So before you pass up the opportunity to give it a go, know that you will read more than just facts about sex, you will be exposed to other studies about different aspects of human nature that might delight you.

I was shocked at the data that disproves many of the theories on which we have based our understanding of ourselves and our relationships. I devoured every page, reading random passages back to my husband (yes, I was questioning monogamy to the one person in this world who might actually be offended). Poor guy had to decipher the thoughts I was spewing his way, and even still, was intrigued and inspired to the read the book for himself. I found the information to be liberating, thought provoking, and fascinating. As a sexual woman in modern day society who feels that I have a deep understanding of my needs and desires, I was turned inside-out by this read.

I have always believed that marriage as an institution has been unsuccessful, and that it should be revised in ways that work for the people we have become. Sex is at the root of the cause much of the time. I am often asked for advice from women who are unhappy in their marriages. They feel the need to to cheat, leave, or divorce their spouse, and it always perplexes me to witness their desperate decision between affair or divorce. Why are these their only two options? Why aren't we able to have respectful, honest, and loving conversations with the person we once loved enough to MARRY, in which we ask for what we desire? Women who want their husbands to seduce them, but are so afraid to have this talk. They would rather have their indiscretions make decisions for them. We are so fearful of hurting our partner's feelings that we'd rather have them feel lonely and miserable, or worse, find out about our cheating and let divorce be the consequence. As if this is easier? Better?

If the topic of sexuality is of interest to you, grab this book at your earliest convenience. And if you value your marriage, read it together. Discuss the definition of monogamy within your relationship. Determine what is acceptable, and where the boundaries lie. Ask your partner what they desire. You are the only two people who decide what is right and what works for you.

I only have two regrets about the book.

1. That I didn't buy a copy to own, as I feel I will want to go back and reference the book for details.

2. That the book doesn't really discuss homosexuality. There are instances where homosexuality is included in the data, but there's no real discussion about where it fits within prehistoric life.

To Cheat or not to cheat... can be a dilemma

I've posted a lot of interesting articles on my Facebook Fanpage and gotten some heated discussions about infidelity, so I wanted to write one of my own, and ask a different question. Do you indulge your needs and desires, or go a lifetime feeling like you missed out on something.

Of all the friends I know who have personally cheated on their significant other, or been cheated on by a significant other and KNOWN ABOUT IT, I would venture to say that all of them are happier people, whatever the direct result of that infidelity was. Some got divorced and remarried, some worked through their situation, some were never discovered, but found a new appreciation for their marriage after the fact.

So the dilemma occurs when the opportunity to cheat presents itself and the person making the decision is unsure of what they want, or should want to do. As "good" married folk, of course the answer is NOT CHEAT. But for a person who feels like something is missing in their life, the answer isn't as clear.

The true answer lies somewhere in the question. Who are you cheating? Are you cheating your spouse from a honest relationship with you? Are you cheating yourself from all the pleasures this life has to give? Or are you cheating the relationship itself from being everything you want it to be.

Most of the women I know who have cheated do it for reasons outside of sex. They crave attention. They want to feel desired. They want to escape the realities of their boring lives. But sometimes it's also about the sex itself. They want different sex. They want better sex. They want sex with someone other than the person they've slept with for the past several years.

It's not much different for men. While it can start as a simple physical attraction to a stranger, it can also provide the same emotional benefits that come from an affair. Both sexes want to feel desired again, they want to know that they are wanted on a purely physical level. Lusted after. Not needed, but wanted.

So there are three answers to this question:

1. Cheat your partner-Indulge in a one-night stand with a complete stranger or a past lover. Experience the needs you so desperately desire, but know that it may not end there. That you've most likely just had a temporary fix to a much larger problem.

2. Cheat yourself-swallow your pride, and suppress your longings. Your relationship is the priority, and your partner's happiness is more important than a few moments of ecstasy. But don't be surprised if you find yourself having to make this decision again later in life.

3. Cheat your relationship-This is accomplished with either 1 or 2. So instead, why not take a chance at honesty. Bite the bullet and talk to you spouse. What if we could discuss the desire to cheat with our spouses, wouldn't it lead us to discovering the desires and needs that are buried beneath years of marriage? I realize that for some people, cheating provides an easy answer and solution to this problem. But nobody said marriage would be easy. It must be infinitely harder to deal with the guilt, shame, and loneliness of being caught, than to deal with the honest conversations that would come of us sharing our most intimate thoughts. The thoughts that we would share with a best friend, and yet, can't share with our life partner.

Would our husbands and wives really rather not know that we have needs? Would they rather we worked out our issues on our own? Do you think the really would rather not now about a torrid love affair than just hear a few painful words of truth? I realize for some of you, the answer is yes. Your husbands and wives would rather live in oblivion that find out about a one-night stand, or long term lover. They would rather not rock the boat, and keep life less messy and continue in deliberate denial.

Food for thought:
I interviewed a man several years ago who has an internet talk show all about the subject of living life to it's fullest. Part of what he preaches is that people should do what they want, WHATEVER they want. He doesn't believe the sanctity of marriage, or even the other person involved should make impact on your decision to live for your pleasure. I had a hard time with this. While I think people should live happy, fulfilled lives, I think you give up some of that autonomy when you commit to another person who expects you to be monogamous. I think there is something to be accountable for when what you do affects other people. This is his point however. He believes that you shouldn't be responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

He is married, by the way. And his wife also lives according to the same creed. Marriage, like divorce, is different for everyone. CHOOSE how your marriage will be.

Am I a Cougar?!

There's been a lot of hype surrounding "cougars" in the past few years, Demi Moore has Ashton Kutcher, Courtney Cox had David Arquette, and there are websites popping up so that younger men and cougars can find each other. It seems as though it is almost a new trend to be a cougar, even though women (and men) have been "robbing the cradle" for years.

While I am halfway through my 30's, I am hardly an older woman. I was recently at a bar dancing with some friends and young guys who were celebrating one of their birthdays, and I was asked by another guy who was watching us why I was dancing with someone who was clearly much younger than me.

I was taken aback for a moment that this guy was essentially offending me by calling me old, and then got annoyed that he was kind of calling me a "cougar!" My girlfriend heard the exchange of words, and defended him saying, "He just wanted to dance with you himself." So, his way of asking me to dance was to offend me. Nice.

I don't often dish out pick-up advice or single person bar etiquette, but I feel like the guys who are out at these bars are missing something.

To the single guy at the bar:
-I am a married woman who is out dancing at a bar.
-I am wearing my wedding ring, and will admit to being married if asked.
-I enjoy dancing A LOT.
-I do not like being groped while dancing, but do enjoy grooving or even "freaking" with you if vibe is right.
-I generally will gravitate toward a dance partner who is having fun, and is not concerned if they appear to be dorky.... these guys tend to be YOUNGER.
-Don't expect to get my number, since I am not looking to date or have an affair.
-Don't be upset when you ask for my number and I tell you I am married. I wasn't hiding anything from you the last hour we were dancing.

That being said, I must acknowledge that there is another party to address. The actual cougars themselves. Yes guys, there are married women out there who do want to take you home, maybe go on a date, and perhaps even participate in an affair. This comes from a lack of passion in their life, not just their marriage, and they are looking for you to fill the empty void that has now become their reality. Be gentle with them.

To the Cougars:
-The young men will scope out the bars for the hot young chicks first, then as the clock ticks and the booze flows, they will be drawn to your deeper sense of self confidence and willingness to enjoy yourself without fear of what others think.
-Don't drink too much, beer goggles go both ways!
-Don't shit where you sleep. Most likely you are in a bar where someone might actually know you or your husband. Be respectful of appearances to some degree. You can save all the inappropriate touching for later.
-Don't fall in-love. You're picking up a band-aid, not a replacement part. This guy will never fill your husband's shoes so don't expect him to.
-Understand the difference between sex and love.

This is a tough one since most likely you haven't had much of either in your life lately. Love is respectful, considerate, kind, and UNCONDITIONAL. Love knows who you are at puking from the stomach flu, and what's underneath the make-up and hair during your best moments. Love can understand that you have a need to feel beautiful, desirable and full of life. Which brings me to me next rant.

To the one who is left at home:
-If you are shocked by this advice, get over it.
-Your wife (or husband) was once young and appealing to the opposite sex.
-Sometimes, all that is needed is to be seen, to be acknowledged by someone other than you. We all have an ego, and we all have the need for attention, be it shallow or not.
-Don't think you can be the center of someone else's universe and then be shocked when it implodes.
-Try to give your partner the freedom to be sexy. You might be surprised and find that the more freedom you give them, the less inclined they are to use it.

Some men won't allow their wives out dancing with their girlfriends thinking that they might be tempted to stray from their marriage. Personally I find this rather condescending. I am not a child, and I am in control of what I do with my body.

I am equally saddened to hear women say they don't allow their husbands to go to a strip club or attend a Vegas bachelor party for the same reason.

Define the boundaries in your relationships, and trust that your partner is capable of keeping their promise to you. Infidelity happens, but the chances increase if one or the other feel trapped in their relationship. Keep an open line of communication and expect the best of each other.

"Oscar Curse" or new discussions for your relationship?

I've been reading all the scandalous gossip swirling around Hollywood's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock and her not so sweet husband, Jesse James. His alleged affair with tattoo model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee is a nauseating, overwhelming, and completely un-shocking chapter in the world of guilty pleasures. But as much as I would like to comment on the details, I am already tired of the story. What I do find interesting is the combination of a this "breaking news" in the aftermath of Sandra Bullock's Oscar win as best actress (yes, I know it's officially "actor"), to the interview between Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner Mo'nique and Barbara Walters.

We are so quick to talk about the cheating husband, the poor unsuspecting wife, and the slutty mistress, but nobody is talking about the happily married couple in a self-proclaimed "open marriage."

Here's a woman who is confident enough to NOT SHAVE her hairy legs, and says an affair is not a deal breaker in their relationship. I salute the strength and honesty of Mo'nique. I think her attitude and outlook on marriage, especially in Hollywood is a much more realistic approach to the unnatural agreement of monogamy.

Yes, I said UNnatural. Humans are not monogamous by nature. We have been socially programmed to be monogamous as a survival tactic. Long before religion had a say in how we should be committed to one another, evolution played a role in determining the optimal relationship status for humans. Homo sapiens were in danger of becoming extinct, there was a strong desire to procreate and speculation suggests that had early man been monogamous, that inbreeding would have done our species in.

Marriage is a relatively modern concept: a contractual agreement before God and country that two people promise to practice monogamy and remain partners til death. For this promise, they receive status and tax benefits... sounds romantic doesn't it?

Sandra Bullock proclaimed her love for Jesse James, and thanked him at nearly every recent acceptance speech I can think of. She obviously bought into the whole monogamy thing, and yet he allegedly has not.

Mo'nique and Sydney Hicks have publicly claimed they have an open marriage. She told Barbara Walters on her Oscar interview that if either of them wanted to have an affair with another person that it would not jeopardize their marriage.

So, for all of you in relationships, I think it's the perfect time to discuss these two award winning actresses and decide which one you'll be. Will you be the lead actor in a role, getting blindsided when you discover that your supporting actor isn't who you thought he was, or will you be happily fulfilled as a best supporting actress to your lifelong partner?

Let's face it folks, there are two kinds of lovers out there, one who is dedicated to and capable of monogamy, and those who aren't. The problem is, most people don't find out if their spouse is on the same page until it's too late. Mo'nique has blazed a trail to openly discuss marriage with your partner. Whether or not you decide to walk down the path to truth is up to you.