Is Porn good for you?

Apparently, I am potentially addicted to porn. Mind you, I don't think I've actually watched a real porn movie in over 5 years...if not more... But by answering a few simple questions in a quiz on Mensfitness.com, I was labeled as, “bordering on being problematic.”

The mere fact that my healthy sex drive would cause me to answer yes to any of these questions shouldn't be a basis for determining whether or not I have a porn addiction. What it does say about our society in general, is that the overall consensus is, PORN IS BAD.

There is so much negative energy surrounding the word "Porn." People are incredibly offended by it, and many people won't admit to actually watching porn, when clearly the statistical data proves that we all do. Yep, men and women... both watch porn.

According to an article by The Huffington Post, 70% of men watch porn (some other sites rate that percentage much higher) along with 30% of women. In fact, 30% of data that is transferred across the internet is PORN. An article from mandatory.com cites that “people are viewing porn, more than Facebook, Twitter, and Hulu combined…” and we know how much y’all like Facebook. Their claims are pretty staggering… “At any second of the day worldwide, nearly 30 million unique visitors are viewing porn.” And yet we still deny we watch it… hmmm. “In 2001, there were around 70,000 adult websites. Today, just 13 years later, they are more than 4.2 million pornographic websites in the U.S. alone. It does not take a math major to figure out that increase is tremendous. Either people are lying about watching porn or people are lying about watching porn.”

So, why are we so afraid to admit that we watch and even “like” porn? We know that visual stimulation produces fantastic results. We know that men are more visually stimulated sexually. Many men say that they use porn as a way to kick-start the session, but usually finish thinking about a personal experience. Sex therapists have recommended porn with a vibrator as a great way to ensure she climaxes, as most women don’t achieve orgasm through straight up intercourse.

I posed the question on my social media, and interviewed people while attending Adultcon at the Los Angeles Convention Center. Here are a few sound bites from people who were more than happy to speak on the subject….

While people at the porn convention were open and communicative, my social media accounts proved how much of a negative stigma is still attached to the word. Women commented in response to my question: “What do you think of when you view porn?” But most men stayed far away from the topic. Men who would normally “like” or comment wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. They did however feel comfortable private messaging me or texting me their thoughts, but didn’t want to have their personal social media accounts show the “activity” that would confirm that they actually watch porn. One man messaged me by saying, “my wife would be horrified if I posted this, but I watch porn and think, ‘I want to do that with my wife.’” This sentiment is beautiful and heart-breaking. This man who, adores his wife, is inspired to find ways to give her pleasure and bring them together as a couple, is shamed by her lack of interest and most likely a negative outlook on sex with her own husband, as well as porn.

**Is porn bad? If this man didn’t have porn, where would he release the sexual energy that his wife won’t share with him? Have an affair perhaps…

If you made it all the way through the soundbites I posted above, you would’ve heard one woman’s opinion that watching porn is considered adultery to her and her husband. They feel that seeing images of other people creates feelings of lust and visual imagery that might be hard to suppress during their love-making. They want to be as “pure of heart” as they possibly can for each other. While she didn’t express an opposition to the existence of porn, she was strongly against porn in their relationship. Religion was the reason cited for their mutual decision to avoid porn, and I respect her choice to maintain her commitment to her faith and her relationship.

If religion is your reason for not supporting porn, this blog might not rub you the right way…. pun intended. How you should feel about porn, gay marriage, anal sex, BDSM lifestyles, and any other “un-natural” sex acts, may have already been decided. While I am lucky to have several religious friends who view sex as a healthy, adventurous, loving way to celebrate their relationships in all kinds of playful ways, I know there are more religious readers who are less open-minded about the topic. To those readers, I hope you continue reading….

It seems like porn is unavoidable these days. You can easily search a term that accidentally gives you pages of porn related materials and websites with an innocent and random word. But is all this access to porn, and the actual content itself good for us?

According to Dr. Judith Reisman, PII or Pornographically Induced Impotence is a growing epidemic. She shares opinions of several doctors and professors who attest that porn can be extremely damaging to libido and emasculating, “castrating men of all ages and races.” They also admit that the percentage of men who suffer from PII is unknown…. She is also, if you didn’t know, one of the prominent anti-Kinsey Institute protestors, who feels that his work has sexually sabotaged our society. I wasn’t able to find links from her article to scientific data supporting these opinions, but they are compelling nonetheless. If you fear that porn might cause you to become impotent, you may also want to worry that masturbation will cause you to go blind. Generally, limiting your exposure to these images will restore your body’s natural response to erotic stimulus. These “cases” of PII ares extreme examples of over-exposure to porn and porn addiction. Most of you, dear readers, will not fall into this category.

Next let’s discuss dopamine… the pleasure reward we receive in the brain. Porn doesn’t just give you warm fuzzy feelings in the genitals. It gives us a dopamine rush, which is why some people can become addicted to porn. Just as we can become addicted to our social media, porn provides endless hours of distractions and new visual experiences to keep the dopamine flowing. Some therapists recommend taking a break from your porn (and/or your social media) occasionally to reset the baseline for your dopamine tolerance. There are several studies being done on the long term effects of these constant dopamine dings. So far I haven’t seen any conclusive studies on long term effects, but the social media and smart phone age is still relatively new. it could take decades for us to actually see any type of biological evolution in correlation to the increase in dopamine for the average human.

Is porn bad for relationships? Couples who watch porn together say they experience a boost in their sex life. They like to “spice up” their intimate relations by adding visual stimulation, or use porn as an instructional video to try new things. Some woman express fears that their partners will be less attracted to them because they are masturbating to images of other women’s bodies. But they might be surprised to hear that men are more inclined to watch the female actresses facial expressions rather than her actual body. They are more turned on by the idea that this woman is enjoying her sexual encounter. It could be argued that social media is bad for relationships. In some of the same surveys that claim that “watching internet porn” ruined 58% of marriages, it also cites that 40% blame extra-marital relationships that began online. Does the internet or porn itself break up the marriage? Or do feelings of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and lack of intimacy create the need for people to meet those needs in other places? Is McDonald’s responsible for making people fat? Or do we all have the capacity to make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies, and take responsibility for how our actions may affect our relationships? Yes, addiction is real… addiction to porn, alcohol, drugs, and a plethora of other things can negatively impact one’s life. They may withdraw from society, prioritize their addiction over family, work, and life itself. ADDICTION is bad, porn….?

There are surveys being done on how viewing porn effects our expectations about sexual partners, and whether or not it discourages interest and commitment to romantic relationships. Again, I haven’t found any links to actual scientific data. What they generally say is that people who watch porn are more likely to have intercourse at an earlier age, have multiple sex partners, be open to the idea of casual sex, have less interest in romantic partnering, and may experience dissatisfaction in long term monogamous relationships. In all my recreational research on sex, and how people have sex, I would say that all of those things apply to a person who isn’t overly exposed to pornography as well. People want sex, they want to feel desired, they want to be naked and copulate with other sexually attractive mates, they want love, they crave affection and attention, and they even want to get married and have kids. I assure you, the business of marriage is in full force. USA Today predicts that there will be 2.208 million weddings in 2015.

So then, is watching other people have sex bad for you? I believe that it's healthy. In other cultures listening to someone have sex, or possibly even seeing others have sex is a natural part of everyday life. Families live in small dwellings. Parents share rooms and sometimes even beds with their offspring. People live in small villages and communities where the hiding of their sex acts isn’t necessary or even plausible to be hidden. Does this make them sexual deviants? I think having a healthy attitude toward sex and sexuality is of tremendous importance. Whether you choose or even promote celibacy, we shouldn't be opposed to the idea of sexual awareness, open communication about sex, and overall sex positivity.

Embracing sex, in all forms, is the best form of sex education. Porn shows people having sex. It doesn’t show people necessarily being intimate, but it also doesn’t hide or romanticize the reality of the act of sex. It doesn’t make excuses for itself, it doesn’t limit the way people orgasm, it represents all types of sexual activity, and all types of sexual stimulus. Porn brings people together by validating desires. Desires that could be considered deviant, or abnormal. By allowing people to experience those desires in a way that is not harming other people, purely experienced by choice (one must click to view, and can opt-out by a simple click at any time), and produced legally with consensual adults (we are not talking about illegal porn in this post), there is fulfillment. Porn can also inspire creativity and teach people how to make love better. Couples can watch porn together and ask each other to do things they see portrayed in the videos. They may even be exposed to things they don't realize they like. Everything from the way a porn actor is kissed, touched, licked, and yes, fucked, can be a new experience for the viewer to discover pleasure within their own relationships. The point and the benefit is that they are communicating their sexual needs and desires.

Is porn good for you? You'll have to decide that on your own or together, but I say that if you aren't bordering addiction and withdrawing from society, a spoonful of porn a day might just keep the divorce away.

To listen to the full episode, "Is PORN good for you?" On Playboy Radio, click here http://bit.ly/PlayWithMeShow

Tinder Tips, Online Flirting, and how to sext your wife!!

The world of online dating and cyber flirtations is one that requires some experience and navigation. My single and divorced friends seem to fair pretty well, but I can't imagine having to actually sift through the plethora of potential mates that are readily available. Not to mention, the rejection, inappropriate and sometimes shocking messages that seem to be a part of the game.... and yes, it is a game.

There is definitely an element of fun and excitement that comes along with setting up a profile on any social media, and dating sites are even more hormone inducing. The fact that the you're even creating a profile on a dating site brings a certain testosterone and adrenaline boost. The thrill of the possibilities and the initial "likes" and "matches" pump chemicals straight from the brain into the bloodstream. Scientists are already testing theories on how these constant dopamine boosts affect our brain and body development, but for the time being, let's just concede that these responses do in fact exist. You know the feeling... your phone dings... your Facebook notifies you that someone likes your post... your Instagram and Twitter accounts boast new followers... dopamine, dopamine, dopamine... reward for a job well done.

Now let's apply this to the online dating scene. You post a profile, you swipe right on a hot girl or guy, and it's a match! Instant wood.... later you get a notification that they like your "moment," or has sent you a "message." GAME ON. What happens from here is entirely in the way you play it.

Guys: If you send a message, try something more than "Hi." Or "Hello." Unless it's a very enthusiastic "Helloooooo...." followed by an excited Emoji. Give us girls some recognition. Comment on something you saw or read on the profile. Make us feel a little special. Whether you want to actually date us or just have sex with us… it’s all the same game. Make conversation. Give us a chance to feel comfortable with you. If we’re DTF, we’ll let you know. The banter will come naturally.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES start sending immediate messages about your dick, her mouth, or any other sexual part of her body!!!

GET A CLUE... TAKE A HINT... DON'T BE A CREEP...

If she hasn’t asked for a pic of your third leg, don’t send it… no matter how awesome you think you are. We just don’t respond well to uninvited images of your bits and pieces, sorry guys. Women need an emotional component to visual stimuli, we don’t need to be in-love, but we need… something…

That being said, once she’s asked for a naughty pic, make it good one. Bathroom selfies are fine, if you’re laying in bed, please take the socks off, or crop them out of the picture. If you’re hand is on your featured asset, make sure your nails and your joystick are clean.

Girls: It's pretty simple. What is the goal? If it's to find a real relationship, don't come on too strong with the flirtatious vibes. Tinder is generally known as a hook-up site, so be forewarned. But I also do know of people who like the people they meet on Tinder better than any other site or app, and even people who have gotten married. But be clear about your purpose. If you want to date a guy, don’t send seductive messages, or sexy selfies once you go off Tinder and onto texts. Wait until you’ve actually met them in person (and perhaps even had sex with them) before you send suggestive messages. It can be confusing to these poor guys who, let’s face it, may not know exactly what they want.

If you’re looking for a straight hook-up, be direct. Again, guys can be a little clueless, or even scared, so make your messages as plain as possible. That doesn’t mean they don’t like a little banter too, or even to feel like they’ve chase you a little bit… but DO let them know that you’re not playing games. Ask them to take the conversation off of Tinder, ask them for pics, so you know what you’re getting when the clothes come off, and that they actually do look like their profile pics. Be cautious of which racy pics you send, no faces or identifying marks!! If this is a "hit it and quit it" situation, you can’t trust that they won’t be shared.

Here are a few tips for getting your profile liked on these apps and sites:

1. Both sexes: Use your best pics first! The initial swipes are based on looks… shallow, but true. If you’re not the most attractive guy or gal, ask an honest pal which pics make you look the most interesting or appealing. NO Seatbelt car pics... for real. And try to post pics that show a variety of facial expressions to really show your personality.

2. Guys: Don’t post pics of you with a fish! Women just don’t care. If you are into fishing, tell them in person. If you’re trying to send subliminal messages about your ability to provide food for me… uh. please don’t … Ladies: This applies to your pics with your kids. Yes, you're a mom, but unless you're looking for a replacement daddy, nobody cares about your kids yet. Just write it in the profile description.

3. Both sexes: Don’t post multiple pics with a bunch of friends. First of all, they'll have to figure out which one is you, and they might think one of your friends is hot. So if they did date you, and your friend showed up somewhere, it could get complicated. One is fine, multiples is just asking for a left swipe.

4. Both sexes: Make sure we can see your face clearly. If there are too many far away shots… it’s a left swipe.

5. Both sexes: Pics with puppies and or cats... play this one modestly. Guys: we know you're playing with our emotions here, so just know that we're on to you. Girls: Too many cat pics are a red flag... just saying.

So how do the married people get in on the game? Send naughty messages to each other!! Pretend as though you're meeting online for the first time, and start a conversation. Perhaps you're created "stage names" ahead of time, so you know that when your husband or wife refer to you as a certain name, that it's time to play. Give them the dopamine jolt by dinging their phone with flirtatious and sexy messages throughout the day. Ask them to meet you for coffee, or a cheap motel room and play out the fantasy of hooking up for the first time. Not only do you get to flirt with your partner, but the two of you can also play out roles that might be different from your everyday lives. Don't let the stress of work and family life kill your sex-life with your partner. Find ways to create fun games and new sexual experiences for each other to keep them lusting you, even after all these years.

If you need tips on how to take a sexy selfie, read my post here!

To hear to the full show on Tinder Tips, Online flirting, and how to sext your wife, listen to Episode 15 on Play With on Playboy Radio.

Talk Dirty to me

We’ve heard that men are more visually stimulated and women are more audibly stimulated. B what the studies really represent is the encompassing of all the senses for women to be truly turned on. While the actual physicality of the act of sex can stimulate the male brain, women require an emotional component to the visual. I’m not saying they have to see a romantic story per se, but that generally there needs to be a story attached to the act, thus creating an emotional piece to the scene.

So what does this have to do with talking dirty?

What you say is as important as how you say it. Whether you’re telling your girl she’s a dirty slut, or that she’s a goddess who deserves to be worshipped, you’re creating a feeling. Telling a story before, during, or after your hot sex session isn’t rocket science, but it’s definitely an art.

So how does your partner want to be talked to? What kind of sounds and words do they respond well to? And what words DON’T work for them? Have they told you how sexy you sound when you’re cumming? This is a good indication that they like hearing you. If you’re not sure if they’ll respond well to dirty talk, try whispering in their ear a few light and sexy phrases.

“You feel so good…”

“If you keep doing that, you’re going to make me cum.”

If they give you a a vocal response of any kind, they are probably open or at least intrigued by your words. This is a great way to test the waters before cannonballing in. After you’ve finished your session, talk about it. Ask them if they liked it when you talked in their ear. Ask them if they’d like you to talk more. Ask them what kind of things they’d like to hear. For example, many of our female panel wasn't turned on by the words penis and vagina. So saying, "I want to lick your vagina" may not get the juices flowing. Similarly, "Suck my penis" didn't make any top five lists either... in case you felt compelled to use the anatomical words for your sex bits. Some women would be be turned on by being called a "whore," while others would get up a leave. So find out their YES! words, as well as the ones that dry up the well, or shrivel the boys. Otherwise, tread lightly.

Once you get the green light, see where your dirty dialogue takes you! Will it be descriptive? Intructional? Or used for playing out fantasy scenarios? Will you tell them how you can wait to make love to them, or what they will be wearing when you get home from work, and what you will do to them if they are not obedient, or will you be the head master at an all girl's Catholic School who's just found out she has been smoking in the bathroom? The possibilities are endless when it comes to the magic that can spew from your lips. Let it flow, get creative, be frisky, be playful, and bask in the magic of your sexual lyrics.

New to Dirty Talk and need some tips? Here are some expert tips from former Phone Sex Operator and Sex Educator Ashley Manta!

1. Use someone else’s words… read straight from some erotica.

2. Practice out loud while you’re alone driving in the car, or while you masturbate. (bonus: it makes masturbation hotter too!)

3. Dirty Madlibs! You can fill in the blanks to create some super sexy and orgasm inducing statements. Dowload her free e-book here to get more tips to mind-blowing dirty talk.

Long Distance lovers? Start their day off with a naughty text and keep the fun going all day long. Arrange a day and time when you can both stay focused on your phone frolic! You'll be surprised how much the written word can keep people connected who are challenged by distance. Hone your skills via text and recorded voice memos and see how practice makes perfect when your expert prose finally has the chance to be spoken in person.

Listen to our full show Episode 7 on Playboy Radio, including some suggestions of talking dirty from our listeners, our panel, and the interview with Ashley Manta!

The Problem with Romantic Love...

I know, I know... bah humbug, happy fucking Valentine's Day, right? But hear me out...

A friend and I were discussing the problem with romantic love the other day, and I felt like I sounded as though I don't believe in love, or like the feeling of being in-love, and let me just clarify now by saying that's just not true. Who doesn't enjoy the rush of adrenaline (and hormones, yes) when you receive an attentive message or phone call from someone who has become the object of your obsession? Who doesn't appreciate how easy it is to fall in-love with someone you barely know? When all your love depends on, is the other person showing up and being remotely interesting, and showering you with attention. But married couples and those in long-term relationships will agree, that those kind of feelings generally don't sustain themselves. And I don't mean to insinuate that couples who have been together for years don't get butterflies when they see each other, and aren't capable of having hot sexy nights of passion reminiscent of the days when they first began dating. What I am saying is that I don't recommend building relationships based on simply "romantic love."

Romantic Love by definition is risky, volatile, dramatic, possessive, conditional, and one-sided. Wikipedia has a pretty great handle on it... check out general definition #2: The addition of drama to relationships of close, deep and strong love.

Let's look at how "romantic relationships" usually start...

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They start the process of getting to know each other...

which usually turns into kissing...

which many times leads to sex...

which is fun for awhile...

But then suddenly they start to get to know each other for who they really are...

They become less sexually appealing,

or perhaps less sexually aggressive.

One person needs exclusivity at some point,

which is okay at first...

until someone else comes along that is exciting,

and the one who is "excited" doesn't know how to manage their feelings,

and manange the expectations of the other partner.

What they generally assume, is that they have simply fallen out of love.

One partner may start to feel like the feelings aren't equally intense,

but they chalk it up to having come out of the "honeymoon stage."

Neither partner communicates their feelings to the other for fear of hurting the other...

because they "love them," afterall....

And so it goes for a bit, until they do end up hurting each other through non-communication, cheating, or unintentionally withdrawing their "love" and affection from their partner.

I don't need the drama, thanks... I prefer mutual respectful, compassionate, and considerate love.

What would that look like?

They meet online or through a friend.

They like the look of each other.

They begin the process of getting to know each other..

which generally leads to kissing,

but now they start to share their needs and expectations.

If they decide to have sex, how will their intimacy affect their relationship?

Does one or both partners need exclusivity to continue? Or can they have sex casually?

Let's say they have a non-exclusive friendship for awhile, along with casual sex...

and one or both partners begins to develop deeper feelings...

which can happen...

So they talk about what those feelings mean, and how they affect the previous agreement they established.

Does one or both partners want to become "romantically" attached?

Do they want kids?

Do they want to be married? (and yes, the conversation can go in that order)

Or maybe they don't need their love to turn into responsibility for the other....

Do they feel okay to "love" each other without having emotional and physical rights to the other?

Can they be mutually respectful and affectionate without "gaining anything" from the other?

Can they be friends forever, whether or not they continue to have sex?

Both scenarios may start similarly, but they evolve into very different human connections. You often hear the term "falling" in-love in respect to romance. Romantic Love is controlled by just one person. They "court" the other, creating feelings of dependency and infatuation with how the other makes them feel. They make the object of their affection seem like they are the center of their universe. Both partners at times even feel empty and lonely while they are in-love. They are "love-sick," when they are not together, feel "heartaches" when something doesn't feel right. They would "die without the affections of their love." And just as easily as they "fell in-love", they can withdraw their intense feelings, leaving the other feeling empty, desperate and helpless. Which is exactly what they are... they can't control the feelings or actions of the other.

Ugh... not for me thanks...I don't want to ride that emotional roller coaster, or be the center of someone's universe, and be responsible for their happiness. That is not to say that I am unwilling to be mindful, considerate, and even make compromises for someone I love.

In the second example both persons make conscious, self-aware decisions to choose to love the other person. It doesn't thrive on only the intense sense of passion and adoration of one person, and can't be destroyed by just one of them either. They have seen each other for who they are, and most likely have been overwhelmed with love by qualities of that person. Their feelings are rooted to something of substance, something that can be sustained, and grown, and cannot be simply taken away at a moments notice.

This kind of love is truly unconditional. It doesn't depend on whether or not two people are friends, lovers, husband and wife, or rarely see each other. This kind of humanity is something that we are all capable of, and in my opinion, should be what is valued, celebrated, and practiced.

The ultimate sexy selfie!! Um, and how to shoot and edit your own porno...

With the technology available to all of us via our smart phones, people all over the world are shooting self portraits and posting pics of themselves in all kinds of various places, positions, and “looks.” It’s not surprising to see women in bikinis taking pics of themselves in the mirror, or guys showing off their abs at the gym. Soccer moms, in clothing you’d never otherwise see them wearing, are putting their sexy side on display for the world to see. I don’t know that it’s true narcissism in action, but rather a fascination with the ability to be able to shoot, edit, post and share photos in ways we never could before. We are actually able to view ourselves like the super models, athletes, and celebrities we used to only see in magazines. Users can play with lighting, camera angles, and photos effects to put their best face forward.

There are even apps available to airbrush, sculpt, and perfect ourselves to show our “best” possible picture. With apps like Pixtr and Hello, Gorgeous your skin will be radiant, your teeth whitened, blemishes and wrinkles vanish. Facetune even allows the user to shrink body parts, tightening abs, firming thighs, and masking any perceived flaws we may have. With Enhance Booth you can create muscle bulk, or make your lips, eyes, and ass bigger with a simple action. SINGLE MEN AND WOMEN BEWARE! The person you met online may not look exactly like the person you eventually meet for coffee or a drink.

If you thought the push up bra and padded ass jeans were false advertising, you’ve got a lot more to worry about in the world of internet dating sites. What is a little more clear; however, is what men and women are willing to share. She may say in her profile that she, ”Likes to take things slow…” or “ Doesn’t kiss on the first date.” Yet she has suggestive pics displayed, and starts sending semi-nude selfies once you begin corresponding via text… Hmmm? Mixed messages? I think there is still an element of self discovery and exploration in this digital age. We are able to connect in ways that we never have before, and it is creating etiquette and challenging boundaries we never even knew we had.

As we display our secret personas and intimate selves, we undoubtedly push the envelope with what we are willing to share. Couples everywhere are engaging in sexting, phone sex, and increased sexual activity via technology. We have learned the language of text banter, and the art of the provocative email, and now we’re able to shoot, edit, and deliver our own home-grown porn.

With the imovie app for iphone, the user can easily import video from their camera roll, zoom in, speed up or slow down the action, and add music. Bum-chicka-bum -bum…. (C’mon. I can’t be the only one who’s thought of this?) Whether you shoot solo masturbation videos, or get your lover to consent to penetration and cum shots, the possibilities are endless! What better way to show your lust and infatuation than with a personalized sexy video of yourself or the both of you celebrating your passion?! There are still some challenges though. imovie for iphone doesn’t allow you to add effects on the video, you’ll have to download a secondary app like VideoFX live,and treat the video before you drop it into your imovie project. You will need to know how to set up a good shot, have decent lighting, and eventually a knack for editing if you want to show it at the next film festival; however.... Just sayin’

Wanna give it a whirl? Grab your smartphone the next time you’re feeling frisky and start shooting. Just play and see what kind of pics you get. Try some video too, you can always simply delete if you want to forget it ever happened.

Just remember, once you send it, it’s gone forever. So make sure you trust the person you’re sexting implicitly. Emails, texts, and shared pics and videos are floating around in cyberspace, no doubt making a lot of hackers and techie people very happy. A good rule of thumb: no face pics, no distinguishable markings, and nothing that could identify you completely--should you ever wish to deny it.