Would you have a threesome to save your marriage?

Okay, maybe not “save your marriage,” obviously I was going for the shock factor in the tagline. Clearly if you feel like you’d have to have a threesome to “save” your marriage, it’s probably in need of more than sexual variety. But would you be willing to invite another person into your sex life to spice up your long term otherwise monogamous relationship?

I know it sounds extreme, but hear me out. The odds are simply not in your favor when it comes to true lifelong sexual monogamy with your partner. Even the people who sign up for traditionally monogamous relationships are doomed to some kind of affair or infidelity to affect their partnership. It is estimated that up to 80% of marriages will be affected by an indiscretion by one partner or the other… whether it is actually discovered or not, of course, is the question. When asked if people would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught, 84% of men said YES along with 68% of women. These are big numbers people!!

The good news is that when an infidelity is discovered, that 30% of marriages affected by the affair would work through it. So clearly, for a majority of people, sexual non-monogamy is ultimately acceptable. So why not communicate this desire with your partner before the lying, cheating, and drama unfold?

Consider discussing your boundaries more clearly before you commit to lifelong sexual monogamy. What wouldn’t be acceptable to you? Would you be okay if your partner had an affair on a work trip as long as you didn’t know about it? Would you be into watching your partner with another person? Would you be okay if they simply flirted and sexted online, but didn’t ever physically connect with the person? These are valid questions! Especially when a huge majority of men don’t consider online flirtations cheating….?! what?…really.

Ultimately it’s up to you to decide what is right for your relationship. If sex isn’t important to you, you may not feel the need to explore this concept further… but what if sex is important to your partner? Open the dialogue to discuss specifics. Then check in every year, or every 5 to 10 years if that’s more appropriate for your relationship.

Do you value honesty and communication? Do you value self-respect? These are things that should be clearly discussed. Many times people who discover an affair aren’t necessarily bothered by the sex, but by the opinion of others, should they find out. Would it devastate you to feel as though people knew you were disrespected by your partner? Would you be able to trust your partner again, after they had gone to great lengths to lie to you, or hide something from you for so long? 30% of affairs last an average of two years…. just saying…

Consider alternative forms of monogamy. We clearly understand the term sexual monogamy-having sex with only one person. But what about Social Monogamy? Serial Monogamy? Emotional Monogamy? These are actual terms and can be useful tools when navigating this conversation.

Social Monogamy-two people living together, having sex with one another, and basically forming a union to provide food, shelter, and comforts to each other. This is a great term for many American Marriages.

Serial Monogamy-the practice of exclusively having a relationship with one person, emotionally and sexually, until that relationship no longer benefits one or both. At which point one or both persons would create a similar relationship with the next compatible partner. Another great term for American marriages, given the divorce rate.

Emotional Monogamy-the intimate sharing of life with only one person. This term is used among Swingers and Polyamorist couples to ultimately highlight the differences between the two. Swingers generally are sexually non-monogamous and emotionally monogamous. Polys are know for being both sexually and emotionally non-monogamous, creating intimate bonds with multiple partners.

Did you even realize that all these detailed definitions of “marriage” existed? If you or your partner are in need of sexual or emotional attention outside of your marriage, it may be a conversation you might want to have. Many women, men, and couples have asked me for advice to get their partners to either pay more attention to them, or get them to enjoy sex more, or have sex more often. In other words, there’s a lack in these relationships! And my circle of influence is pretty small in comparison to the country, or the world.

Talk to each other. Understand that each of you has needs and desires that should be honored, celebrated, and hopefully met. Discuss boundaries, deal breakers, and personal limitations so that you can make decisions together about what you both want and need from your marriage. If you can’t even begin the conversation with your partner, consider couples therapy.

Thank you to Dr Samantha Rodman for her input and expert advice on my show “Have sex like you’re single again!” For married couples who want to spice things up in the bedroom.

And Kate Loree, LMFT who specializes in couples who are in the Swinging, Poly, Gay, Lesian, Porn, or other form of alternative lifestyles.

Play With Me Review-The taco stroker by the Screaming O (AKA Paco's Taco)

All masturbator sleeves are not made alike. This silicone stroker is flat and floppy when not in use, but can be folded and wrapped up to create a tasty meat taco! Simply apply the hot sauce packet (lubricant) that's included, and watch the evening heat up.

The great thing about this sleeve versus other masturbators is the ability to use it interchangeably with your own hand or hands. Unlike sleeves that fully encompass the penis, this stroker leaves open space whenever and wherever you need it. It also is less rigid than many sleeves, making it more pliable and receptive to the natural movement of his, or your hand. The fact that you can still maintain a visual on his penis as it's being stroked is also a huge bonus!

But don't take my word for it, here's what our panel of testers had to say!

PartyGalsbyAmandaHillsdale.com said,"I like the texture of it, little ribbed sensation on it, accommodating for all different sizes. You don't have to be certain size. It's not going to have a pinch factor, it's a really excellent product."

SimplyPerfectToys.com said,"I discovered that it wasn't the stroke up toward the head, but rather the stroke downward that really did it for him. It was a completely different sensation, I felt like I had more control over what was happening. Thumbs up!!"

AdultToypartiesbyJen.com said,"It's like a piece of bologna! Ok, Time to spank your bologna... ha ha! It's a good tool for someone who is too small for a stroker (sleeve) or too big"

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Episode 4 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Have you wanked it today?! Increase your odds by making your solo practice a team sport!

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Celebrity Nude photos leaked-scandal or a sign of things to er, come?

By now you must've heard about (and tried looking for) nude photos of celebrities like Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence that were leaked onto the internet. Apparently the FBI is getting involved as this invasion of privacy affects more than just the victims of the hacking, but it affects the security and privacy of us all. After all, if the elite and wealthy aren't safe, who is...? Or perhaps that's exactly why they're not safe? Being in the limelight certainly makes people into targets in our reality-obsessed, voyeuristic society.

But the media response to the situation is what has caused me to blog. The question being raised is, who is to blame, victims or hackers? And then there's the judgements surrounding these women (although there are penis pics too, yes, I've actually seen them)...

Let's start with the question about who is to blame. Is it the celebrity female's FAULT for taking graphic nude photos (or allowing themselves to be photographed, they are not all selfies), knowing that they could POTENTIALLY be exposed? I personally don't think they should be blamed, but I definitely understand the risks myself when I shoot ahem, "personal" pics ... does that mean I deserve to have private photos plastered all over the internet should they be accidentally sent to the wrong person (almost happened..), or somehow obtained by hackers...? Or should what I choose to do with my body and my intimate life be protected from the eyes of everyone else in the world that doesn't have my permission to see them?!! Such a tough concept I know, but I'm leaning more toward the latter. Whether you think these women are being inappropriate by taking *gasp* naked photos or not, does it really mean that they deserve the potential shame and embarrassment from them being shared with the world?

Here comes the judgment... I'll repeat, "Shame and embarrassment..."

Should they not have taken these photos in the first place? I'm sure many men and women (okay maybe mostly women) would say that they would never have these kind of pictures in their phone. Unfortunately sex and nudity are both synonymous with lewd in our culture... It's a fact that saddens me daily. What adult people choose (there's that word again) to do with their bodies and consensually share with another person or persons, shouldn't not only be acceptable, it should be celebrated. Not shamed, not judged, not ridiculed (aka bullying), but rather, our freedom to choose what to do and share should be honored and respected.

Thanks to arguments on both sides of the debate on the threads of JustJared.com and huffingtonpost.com, I have been thoroughly entertained.

Does knowing that our privacy isn't safe make you less inclined to snap that sexy selfie? Or does the fact that yes, you're not the only one doing it, make you feel more empowered to point and shoot? Will this security breach change the way we sext in the future? I'd love to hear your thoughts! :)

Stella 2 balls-because you SHOULD play with your balls!

Once you've decided that doing your kegels is right for you, you may want to consider some tools to help!

Let me introduce you to my little friend...

The Stella 2 balls are a trio of weighted kegel balls that can be worn individually or with two safely nestled inside the silicone casing. They are all coated with the same anti-bacterial silicone material, giving them the soft, safe, yet "grippy" feeling that you can easily keep these babies in while going about your errands, exercising, or hitting the dance floor! (and yes, these are all things I would recommend doing with your ball in!)

We had our panelist of reviewers test them out, and while most all of us ladies agreed that they were a bit big for our tastes, they were pretty darn stellar.

Simplyperfecttoys.com said, "They were a bit big for me, I felt like I could only squeeze so hard."

PartyGalsbyAmandaHillsdale.com said, "You won't have to worry about being on an episode of "Sex Sent Me to the ER!"

Susan said, "I did actually like the material they were made out of, they seem like they'd stay in better than something made out of metal."

PartyGalPatty.com said, "I use the Stella balls and the Lelo Luna beads, and like that you can change out the different weights."

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Episode 2 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.

Married people-single sex! Have sex like you're single again!

It happens... that point in a relationship where watching a TV show, or even sleeping, is suddenly more exciting that the prospect of sex with your partner. It's not that you don't love them anymore, or that you're not sexually attracted to them anymore (well, most of the time). So why is it so much work to muster up the energy to actually start the ball rolling...?

Let's back track for just a second and clarify. I'm referring to relatively happy couples in monogamous relationships, who do still care for one another...

So, what's a guy or gal to do when the desire and passion starts to fade?

Let's first discuss why the passion starts to fade and take it from there...

There are several reasons why people lose the sexual energy they once had with their long-term or lifelong partner. Let's be real... we've tapped that before.. we already know what we're getting... we've already been there, done that...

Reason 1. There's no element of surprise and spontaneity anymore for many couples. In other words, we're bored. Solution: Plan a romantic night out for your lover! Shop for sexy lingerie, or bring home a new sex toy! Create new moments of sexy experiences to keep the fire burning!

Then there's the actual time it takes to have sex. Many parents are already exhausted from work and caring for the kids. That generally leaves evening for any possibility of sex. But they don't have a place to have sex, because their kids are still awake. When the kids are finally asleep, they don't have the energy. (this is assuming, of course, that one or both partners isn't bothered by, and is capable of completing the task, knowing that their kids might hear them)

Reason 2. Lack of time and/or availability of location for sex. Solution: Make date night a priority! Plan time to spend together, if you have the money, get a hotel room, or drop the kids off at the in-laws and make sexual reconnection an important part of your life!

Now let's consider the hormones necessary for the libido to function properly.

Testosterone has been widely recognized as the hormone that creates sex drive; however, we should differentiate between sex drive and sexual desire. One can have sexual desire without much sex drive. This can happen in the case of erectile dysfunction, whereas the man is lacking the ability to create and sustain an erection, but is still interested in sex. Then there's the case of those who might experience a lack of sexual interest, not a lack of sex drive.... this can happen a lot with both sexes.

Reason 3. Lack of sex drive due to decreased testosterone. Solution: Do everything you can to physically and mentally stay interested in sex.

When you're dating it's simple. In a recent study, it was determined that when two people meet and experience mutual attraction, their testosterone levels spike! If only one person felt an attraction, and the other did not; however, there was no elevation in the levels of testosterone. So simply put, when there was a probability of sex, the body responded favorably to make this happen.

Let's face it, lower levels of testosterone can completely kill a sexual relationship, so understanding the physiology of sex certainly can't hurt. As with our overall health, a healthy diet and exercise is crucial in regulating and maintaining our hormone levels. Anti-depressants and birth control are known to decrease desire, but are part of many American couples lives, so make sure you combat these medications by staying healthy. Stress can cause a huge strain on relationships and sexual desire, do whatever you can to keep the stress levels down.

But there are times of the month, as well as in life, when women's testosterone levels increase. (Yay for the guys who are married to them!) Just before ovulation (which would be when she is most fertile) testosterone is prevalent, but as her ovulation cycle comes to an end, estrogen levels drop resulting in less lubrication. (not fun) So guys: If you'd like to increase your chances of getting laid, hit your wife up between the 24th day of her menstrual cycle, and the 14th day of her next month's cycle. Show her that you still think she's a hot piece of ass (i.e.:send those mating hormones into hyperdrive), and don't give her all the same moves. Send her sexy messages throughout the day (be cautious with your chosen words, she may not like porn chatter during kid hours), touch her in ways that are non-sexual, compliment her, look her in the eyes, make her laugh. Change it up, make an effort, make her feel desired, and let the fun begin.

Ladies, if your man is seemingly less interested in sex, consider the changes his body might be experiencing. As men age, they too have a decrease in testosterone. They may be less interested in sex, loose head and body hair, feel tired even though they get enough sleep, have trouble staying focused, loose muscle mass, gain more body fat, all of which can also make daddy feel not so sexy... How can you help?! Boost his ego with sexy text messages, pictures, and mental stimulation throughout his day. Tell him things that you know will drive him crazy. Let him know you're thinking about sex! Men are very visual creatures, paint a picture for him of what lies ahead... and give detailed descriptions.

Then there's the not so easy part to explain, the part that requires more than just a bucket of sex toys, a babysitter, and a bottle of wine. Resentments, infidelity, emotional needs that are not being met...

Reason 4. You have issues.... Solution: see a couples counselor. Your relationship was worth it at some point, even if it doesn't feel like it now... and if it's not worth salvaging, you'll be having single sex soon enough anyway.

Sex Fitness! Why you should, and shouldn't do your Kegels....

For years we've heard that kegels are important for women pre and post-natal, and for better sex... but recently I've been hearing reasons that we shouldn't. What's the deal?

Yes, our pelvic floor is compromised for a myriad of reasons. Most commonly, pregnancy and childbirth; however, even chronic coughing can weaken our pelvic floor. So whether you're young, old, been pregnant, delivered vaginally or by C-section, are male or female, we are all in need of pelvic floor strengthening exercises.

For women: we are at risk as we age, and our pelvic floor muscles weaken, of a collapse.... AVALANCHE!!! Ha ha, no, but seriously (guys, cover your ear and eyes, it's a bit too graphic for your visual minds) your urethra and uterus could literally hang outside of your vagina!! If that's not reason enough to strengthen your pelvic floor, I don't know what is.... and I have heard from Emergency Room Nurse clients of mine that they have in fact seen this. Then there's the problem of peeing while you laugh or sneeze... yeah, not so fun either.

This would be the WHY WE SHOULD do our kegels.

So what's a gal to do, if kegels aren't the answer? The problem doesn't seem to be that kegels are bad for you, but that people work their kegels incorrectly. So let's understand the pelvic floor first and take it from there. The pelvic floor is a system of muscles (not just your pubococcygeus muscle, AKA: PC muscle) that support your internal organs. The PC muscle goes around the opening of the urethra, the vagina, as well as the anus, which for men, is where the prostate is located (and where ejaculate originates from). So it makes sense that we want to strengthen THAT muscle. But how many women really get consistent exercise at the gym, let alone specifically working out their kegels?

Thankfully there are several products available to help women do their kegels without having to remember to do them. Kegel balls, eggs, and exercisers are designed to provide resistance, so that whether you're thinking about it or not, you'll be working the PC muscle. If you don't know whether or not you're squeezing your PC muscle, you can locate it by stopping the stream of urine. (But don't do this as a method of exercise, just to locate the muscle!) You can also insert a finger, or have your partner insert his penis and squeeze, and you'll be able to feel the compression, indicating that you're in the right place! Many of us also solicit the help from our larger muscle groups, ie: the sphincter, taking away the focus on the actual PC muscle itself, so make sure you isolate the muscle while doing reps. You can isolate this more by tilting your pelvis forward, by sitting forward in your chair for example... are we all doing our kegels now?! But what about the other muscles?

According to the Restorative Exercise Institute, the alignment of your pelvis is what is the most important for supporting the pelvic floor.

Katy Bowman, the creator of the program, is a huge advocate of squatting for optimum support of the pelvic floor. In her opinion, doing a bunch of kegels isn't what creates strength in the pelvic floor, but rather the overall support of the muscles responsible for stabilizing the pelvis. In an interview on BreakingMuscle.com she suggests a balanced, aligned pelvis from the natural musculature created in a squat, versus the single action exercise of the kegel, which can pull at the sacrum.

This is the "WHY WE SHOULD NOT DO OUR KEGELS"...

In an interview with Mama Sweat, she states, "..the life-long habit of squatting is what prevented the PF (pelvic floor) from being damaged in the first place. The balance between the perfect amount of glute contraction and the perfect amount of PF tone give you what you want. Good pelvic (and abdominal) organ support." In other words, strong muscles to stabilize and support the pelvic floor is what we're going for.

Whether to kegel or not to kegel, is up to you. I see value in each point of view, and recommend that you discuss any pelvic floor concerns or issues with your health care provide to make sure you're not making any matters worse.

The muscles of your core are also important in keeping the pelvic floor lifted. Your transversus abdominis is the deepest of your core muscles and provides support to stabilize the pelvic floor. Doing situps will not isolate the TA muscle. If you've never tried working it out solo, give this a try! Mutusystem defines how to engage your TA muscles in a way that is easy to understand and thorough!

For men: Your PC muscles can also weaken, creating urinary incontinence, not fun... Conditioning your pelvic floor has also be known to intensify orgasm and increase performance... YAY! You'll work your muscles in the same way as the ladies, but you may also notice a squeeze in the sphincter. For some detailed info on how and why you should work your kegels, check out this video from WebMD! (I've also heard that placing a washcloth, dry, or wet for more resistance, and lifting it with your erect penis, can help strengthen the muscle... If I had a penis, I'd do that just for the fun of it!)

And guys, I also found this baby online, if you'd like to add some resistance to your workout, without requiring an erection. There's a product called the Kegel Pad that might be a fun addition to doing your daily emails! This product was designed to add an extra level of intensity to your squeezing. By sitting on the pad at your perineum, you'll compress it as you squeeze your PC muscle!

Bottom line: there is no substitute for a healthy body when it comes to great sex! Make sure you've got the stamina, strength, and endurance to take on all kinds of positions and experiences. Eat well, exercise, sleep, and indulge occasionally on whatever it is that relaxes you, alleviates stress, and brings you back to your body. Be aware and present with your lover, and the rest will take care of itself.

To purchase any of these products, message me for details, or shop online and enter coupon code: PLAYME for free shipping on your entire order.

Hear the entire show on Sex Fitness, Episode 2 on my show Play With Me on Playboy Radio.