50 Shades Movie Review: from a married, sexually adventurous, mom of a teenage daughter.

There has been a lot of controversy online about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. People who feel passionately that it is setting a bad example for our young girls about what a relationship should look like, and what normal sex should be.

I went into the theatre with an open mind to watch the scenes and listen to the dialogue between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele to see if I felt that it was the abusive, controlling, torturous, sexist relationship that was being described in social media debates.

I will preface my review of the film by saying, I am a woman who enjoys sex and all aspects of sex play. While I’ve dabbled in the world of BDSM, I have not experienced a DOM-SUB relationship personally. I have never been sexually abused. I have read all the books. I have now seen the film. I am a mother to a teenage daughter. The opinions to come, if at all biased, are reflective of who I am. Take them as you will.

Here’s what I never saw:

1. Christian Grey abusing, torturing, or otherwise harming Anastasia Steele.

2. Anything other than consensual sex and intimacy between two adults.

3. A controlling relationship. While Christian Grey “requests” total control in their relationship, Ana never actually gives it.

What I did see:

1. Highly erotic scenes of fantasy play (ie: restraints, light whippings and floggings) and lots of nudity.

2. A woman being pleasured sexually by a man who adored her.

3. A relationship in conflict. Two people trying to negotiate the balancing act of their needs and boundaries.

For those who are saying that it portrays women in a submissive and anti-feminist light:

While Ana’s character is asked to be his “submissive,” She maintains her life outside of the designated play hours. She is asked to “agree” to make herself available to him in whatever way he sexually desires in exchange for her pleasure, and the ability to be in a relationship with him. She is never asked to cook, clean, or otherwise play a traditionally female role in his life. As part of the contract she is required to be exclusive to him sexually, and to be on the pill. She is not expected to give up her free will, but rather, to know that there will be consequences to her actions should she decide to "break the rules."

In a “normal” relationship, women are generally expected to cook and clean, raise children, and work, oh, and have sex exclusively with him, for his pleasure.

For those who say that she is abused, tortured, isolated and humiliated:

Let’s take these one at a time…

From Wikipedia, the definition of abuse

Ana is “spanked” for punishment after Christian warns her “If you roll your eyes at me again, I will take you over my knee.” She of course, rolls her eyes later in the scene, and he lays her over his lap, pulls up her dress and asks her if she understands why he is doing this. After his initial spank, he asks her if she likes it, and then again, if she would like more. Doesn’t sound like “abuse” to me.

Ana is later brought into the Red Room (aka, his play room), where he introduces her to the experience of being teased and whipped with a riding crop while being restrained and blindfolded. Again, he asks her “Does it hurt.” He straps her spread eagle to his four poster bed with ropes and blindfolds her, then continues with some sensory play with feathers and a flogger. At no point in the film does it depict her in any pain until she asks him. “Show me” what the worst punishment would be.

This is the only scene people will or could have an issue with in my opinion. She is whipped on the ass with a leather belt 6 times. He explains exactly what will happen. He tells her she will count the whippings with him. She is NOT restrained or blindfolded. She is shown to appear to be in pain and is crying. However, where the tears are actually being derived from, is left to the viewer.

In the scene leading up to this “punishment,” she is arguing with him. Why he is like this? Why does he have a need to dole out punishments for her at all? And then of course, how severe would the worst punishment be? It is implied that he is an emotionally broken man, that he was abused as a child, and so needs to be abusive in a controlled environment to appease his demons. Her tears could be from the pain of the actual belt lashings, or they could be from her sadness that this man whom she is falling in love with was abused as a child. She could be crying because she is scared of what loving a man like him leaves her vulnerable to. Or she should could be crying because she herself feels unloved by her mother who fails to show up for her college graduation.

Tortured: Um, let’s see… she was given intense pleasure repeatedly… I’ll take some of that torture.

Isolated: Christina Grey introduces her to his family, meets Ana’s mother, is publicly photographed with her, spends time at her apartment as well as his, and refers to her as his girlfriend when the need to introduce her arises. Doesn’t sound very isolated to me.

Humiliated: He holds her hair back while she pukes, never once scolding her for making her own choices, but simply acknowledges that it wasn’t smart. He buys her new clothes to wear because she has vomited all over hers. Buys her a new computer because hers is broken. Takes her for a ride in his helicopter, and an adrenaline fueled ride in a glider. Makes sure she is well nourished. Tells her to never be ashamed of her body, that she has a beautiful body. Bathes her. Spends the night in bed sleeping with her, even though he said he doesn’t “do that.”

I could not find a single instance in the film where Ana is ever made to feel humiliated. It could be argued that she is scolded for not letting him know that she was traveling to see her mother out-of-state, and that he didn’t want her drinking her third Cosmo while she was out with her mom. But at that point in the film, they had already made agreements, expectations were in place, and again, “humiliated?” Embarrassed, perhaps.

For those who ask, “What are we teaching our daughters?”

I will say this. Movies suck as examples of what actual loving relationships look like. Our daughters are exposed to many lofty ideals of what passion, love, romance, and long-term relationships can be. Hollywood generally shows the fantasy fairy-tale as something to strive for… which can lead to serious disappointment. It was refreshing to see a man who knew himself, communicated his needs with authentic clarity, and gave her the ability to opt out. He never offered romance, but he was willing to give her everything else if she agreed. He would fuck her hard, respect, nuture, and care for her. Not a bad proposition if you ask me. I would be thrilled if my daughter encountered a gentleman like this man when she is an adult. A man who was intelligent, present, compassionate, attentive, respectful, and oh yes, wanted nothing more than to spend hours playing with her body and giving her pleasure.

For those who say that this contract was controlling and sexist…

What is Marriage? A legal and binding contract between two people “til death do they part.” And what details are discussed and outlined in this contract? Not much. I would much rather negotiate the terms of my relationship, my sexual pleasure, my physical and emotional health and well-being, than leave it chance based on whimsical lifelong decisions due to “feelings” of love and passion. You can call it cynical, or un-romantic, but you can’t deny the power of honest and open communication.

I’m sure people of the BDSM community will have a field day with this film. It’s very vanilla. It’s ONE fictional account of a POSSIBLE relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive. It barely grazes the surface of what types of sensations could be experienced between two consensual adults with creative minds and willing bodies. I do feel like it may introduce people who may have never considered fantasy play to a few fun scenarios in the bedroom. I hope it will create conversations between couples who want to spice things up, and that men and women will explore what they actually need and desire in their relationships.

Footnotes:

What I loved... the actors had real, beautiful bodies, and seemed to play together well on screen. I loved that they both had full bush, which was shown briefly and equally for both actors.

What I hated... that again a girl is conflicted by the potential of "love," that she is incapable of having sex without love. And that Christian Grey has to be a billionaire, perpetuating the ideal that men are there to provide. Oh and... there wasn't enough sex.

But then again, it is just a movie...

Fifty Shades of Grey Inspired Challenge

Are you ready to take on the Grey?!

Does your bedroom routine need a make-over? Feeling like you've lost the excitement and spontaneity in your relationship? This 30-day challenge might just add the passion and romance you're looking for. Whether you've read the books, liked the books, are into bondage play or not, the scenes from the series have definitely lit a fire in the pants of women all across the country. While you may not have a Christian Grey laying next to you at night, you can create the sex you desire by implementing some of these... ahem, tools.

For this 30-day challenge, you will need a few things...

Grey tie, silk sash, or other restraint. (a different color tie, scarves, etc. will do)

handcuffs and/or cable ties (ouch!)

bed restraints, spreader bar, or comparable restraints

crop whip and/or flogger

Pleasure balls

Vibrating anal toy, or metal butt plug

Magic wand or other vibrator

razor and shaving cream

ice

sexy food

access to a bathtub

How long this Challenge takes is entirely up to you!

You may do them all in a matter of weeks, or you may decide you like it so much that you continue your Grey Challenge for the rest of your intimate lives. Yes, it could be THAT good. So how do you get started?

Challenge #1-Communication

Christian Grey is an excellent communicator. Just one of the things women love about him. He spells out exactly what he wants, and asks Anastasia to agree to a contract so that nothing is vague. As you journey into your world of Grey, I suggest you communicate your needs, desires, and yes, limits, with your partner. You don't need to have written contract, but it does add a nice touch!

Challenge #2-A gentle restraint

One of the first things Christian does to Anastasia is to tie her up with his grey silk necktie so she can't touch him. he then leaves while he goes to get an iced cold drink (yes, it's obvious where we're going here). Upon his return she is giddy with anticipation. What will he do next?! As expected, he sensually teases and stimulates her with the ice and his mouth. Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke may have done it best in 9 1/2 weeks, but ice play never disappoints. Later in the series he uses Metal Handcuffs and cable ties (from when he first goes to see her at the hardware store where she works), but these may leave marks, so if you don't want to have to explain, you might want to avoid these.

Challenge #3-Spank me Daddy,

While Christian Grey has a need to punish "little brown-haired girls," the sexy act of the spanking isn't lost on his psychological therapy. Anastasia is very turned on by the stinging slap he delivers to her soft pale flesh. She loves the care he takes to alternately spank and soothe her. Spanking can be done the wrong way; however, so if you're going to allow your partner to give you more than just a love pat, make sure to get some advice from the pros. Check out the Adult Spanking and Discipline Handbook.

Challenge #4-Whip It Good

Crop whips and floggers, like the ones used in the book don't have to be as scary as they might sound. There are several beginner styles available and even the ones that can be used to create pain, can also be used to tickle and tease instead. The sound of the leather tapping your skin may be enough to get you off, but the sting of a good whip can really get the blood pumping. Drag a flogger up and down a naked body for stimulating effleurage. Play with a crop whip by giving a tap on the ass, on the clitoris, or on the breasts. Increase intensity depending on your level of tolerance and pleasure.

Challenge #5-Make me your slave

By using more than a gentle restraint, you become completely vulnerable to your partner. Make sure that you've discussed your soft and hard limits, that you completely trust your partner, and that you have decided on a safe word before getting yourself into hardcore bondage. Even with some less serious equipment, you can be effectively bound and gagged, so don't think that even though you're not shackled to a wooden cross that you're not playing for real. Door restraints and bed restraints are perfect for keeping your arms and legs open and your body accessible to your lover while standing or laying down. You can be strapped in face up or face down, giving them full control. Anal sex might cross their minds, so make sure you've discussed this idea. In the book Ana finds his drawer of anal toys and is very intrigued. Later he finally uses a sleek vibrating metal plug on her, and she can't believe the pleasure it brings. Be sure when embarking on any kind of anal play, you use plenty of lube, and communicate well, to ensure that there is no damage done to this sensitive area. While a glass of wine is nice to relax you, too much alcohol can numb your body to the point that you don't know if it's hurting you. This thin skin tears easily, so make sure you're well aware of what's happening with your body.

Challenge #6-Shave it off

Christian Grey loves to bathe with Ana, and he does so several times in the trilogy. In one flashback, she remembers him shaving her. Shaving off your pubic hair creates a sensitivity that increases pleasure during intercourse. And if you're not already shaven, you may appreciate the visual of your newly naked genitalia. Make it an event, and shave each other. Be sure to have plenty of shave cream, a sharp razor, and a slow hand. Nobody wants a quick shave when there's a blade near their most intimate parts. The only drawback to this sexy scenario is the regrowth. So make sure you use some rash free shave products to reduce or eliminate ingrown hairs and razor burn... ouch.

Challenge #7-Get cooking!

Not only do Christian and Ana have some thrilling moments in the sack, but they also have some out of the bed/playroom. Having sex in places outside of the privacy of a closed room brings on a whole new element of excitement. Get your sexy on in the kitchen! Blindfold your lover and fulfill them with decadent foods (again, it's been done before on the big screen, but who doesn't like a good feeding?) Don't worry about making a mess, or doing the dishes. Get messy in the easiest room in the house to hose down.

Challenge #8-Wear me out

One of Ana's favorite experiences is when Christian has her wear pleasure balls. He does it when they are headed out for a night with his family.... brilliant. Prolonging her pleasure makes for even more explosive sex later. Try wearing pleasure balls out to dinner, or to a work related event. The weighted presence of these nifty balls will provide a gentle vibration throughout the night. Your movement creates their movement. This will bring on a secret excitement between the two of you, since nobody else will know why you're smiling. :) Then when it finally comes time for the long awaited satisfaction, remove the balls and replace them with him.

Challenge #9-Elevator Sex

Mr. Grey is right, "There's just something about elevators." Whether you're in an elevator alone, or with a bunch of strangers, there's a strange urge to do something bold. Maybe it's that you're in a confined space and time is limited, or maybe we've watched too many movies. Elevator flirtations make for amazing foreplay, so give it a try next time you're staying out of town, or headed down from the rooftop bar.

Challenge #10-Try not to come

What Christian enjoys immensely is having control and possession over Ana's pleasure. He repeatedly tells her that she is not to touch herself when he's not with her, and then instructs her when to come, or not, during their love making. While this task is not an easy one (hence, the "challenge"), it can be fun to test your will power. I'm sure we've all prolonged an orgasm or two, but can you do it when you're being pleasured by a Magic Wand? The one he uses in the book HAS to be a Hitachi, or something like it, but with that much power, you'll most likely have no say over the matter. You're coming whether you want to or not. So try something less intense like a clitoral stimulator that he can hold against you. Try not to come, until he give you permission. Do the same for him. You know when he's about to make his final plunge before climax, see if he can hold off until you give him the magic word.

Challenge #11-Car Sex

High speed car chases can make a gal horny, but Christian always plays it safe. They pull into a parking garage before going at it. Car sex, while uncomfortable, is always hot. Blow jobs and hand jobs while driving can be dangerous, so be cautious when taking on this challenge. Park in your own driveway, or find a parking garage of your own. Make sure you wear a skirt for easy access without having to get completely naked. If you happen to have a sexy car, take it outside onto the hood! Just be sure the engine's cooled off.

Challenge #12-Make Love

For a few people, this might be the hardest challenge of all. By making love to your partner, you put yourself in an emotionally vulnerable position. By opening your heart to your partner, you share a spiritual bond that allows you to breathe each other in, dive into their soul, and interact with them in a way that might be too scary for some. Christian was never able to "make love" to anyone before he met Ana, and he embarked on a new journey of his own while she began her sexual life. They had many firsts together because of this. Even if you've been with your partner for years, there's still plenty of "firsts" that the two of you can share together. Be open to the possibility of becoming closer to your lover, take on the challenge of being more committed, more honest, and more sexual with one another and see where this journey takes YOU!

Why women love Fifty Shades of Grey, and how to have your own Mr. Grey

With the latest craze of trilogies centered around erotic fiction, it's a wonder how the Fifty Shades of Grey became so popular. I hear women saying, "Isn't it just porn?" Well, not exactly. Like porn, erotic fiction doesn't always include a good story, in fact, some can be downright ridiculous. Fifty Shades isn't an exceptional book (sorry fans). It's not an amazing piece of literature, or a profound story. I will say that I have enjoyed reading the books, and love that suburbia is buzzing! What Fifty Shades does provide is a look into our intimate lives, and what might be missing for many American men and women.

Christian Grey is a gazillionare in this story, who's extremely handsome, sexy, talented, and sexually gifted (like many other men out there, I'm sure).... He meets a young virgin woman who challenges his normal behavior of contractual, consensual sexual relationships, because she's not into becoming is submissive. He is smitten by her, for reasons unknown, and decides to give it all up for the sake of love, and of course, her. It's definitely not a realistic love story, but what Fifty Shades readers are most drawn to, is the attention he lavishes on her, his interest in fulfilling her desires and giving her pleasure, and the sexcapades they embark on. Mr. Grey is a controlling man, who sets the stage for their love making (and fucking), on every occasion. The housewife in all of us loves the idea of not having to make a decision, initiate sex, or think, in general. He is lustfully attracted to her, and he tells her. He is very communicative about his desires. What he will do to her, how she makes him feel, how she looks, how she smells.. all making Anastasia Steele feel wanted, loved, and desired in every way. Married women all around the globe miss the times in their lives where they may have known a lover who did the same, or long for a lover who would make them feel that way. *Lovers take note- if your wife or girlfriend is reading this book with fervor, she may want some of the banter, flirtations, and compliments that Mr. Grey bestows upon his Ana. So ladies, this doesn't mean our men are solely responsible for creating these Mr Grey fantasies. There's nothing stopping you from texting a quick flirtation, or answering in a suggestive manner the next time your husband communicates with you. Tell him what you want, ask for what you want, and let him become the lover you want him to be. Highlight your favorite scenes in the book, and leave the book on his side of the bed with a note saying that you'd love for him to do this to you. If you don't create the space for your lover to appear, he won't. If you say to yourself that your husband would never fuck you like Mr. Grey, he won't. Give him the tools, show up for him too, and see what kind of "kinky fuckery" the two of you can create.... but what about props? If you don't have a Red Room of Pain and you'd like to turn your bedroom into your very own playroom, there are tons of products out there than can be discreetly installed. Door play kits will do if you don't have wall shackles to restrain your lover to. Bed restraint kits are perfect for people without four-posted bed frames, and of course, there's a full selection of starter whips, floggers, and paddles for fun fantasy play. For more intricate tools and heavier duty restraints, you may want to check out JT's Stockroom. And if you need any of the products from the book to make this happen, I'm just a phone call or email away, or you can shop discreetly online :) We will also be holding a book discussion at the studio this summer, so stay connected via Facebook for all the details! We'll be starting our Fifty Shades of Grey Inspired Challenge soon, where you can act out all the scenes from the books, igniting the passion in your relationship.